


The Monster Within

by whattomwants



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Bets & Wagers, Drug Addiction, F/M, Hate to Love, Heroin, Loss of Virginity, Sex Addiction, Unplanned Pregnancy, Wordcount: 30.000-50.000
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-03-13 07:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 42,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3372995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whattomwants/pseuds/whattomwants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom Hiddleston accepts a proposal from his friend Benedict regarding an old family friend. He will soon learn that all of his actions have consequences some more devastating than he could ever imagine. Tom is about to embark on a journey that will take him to hell and back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Olivia Merchant

**Author's Note:**

> The tags and possibly the maturity level will change at some point in the story.

It was a small wedding reception filled with close family and friends. That’s how Benedict and Sophie wanted it. This meant the number of single women that would be there was non-existent. Either everyone was married or in a relationship, which was rather annoying to a man like Tom Hiddleston. He had, had a few flings, but it never resulted in anything serious. For a while, he was happy running around from one girl to the next, but upon seeing his best friend get married he suddenly felt the need to settle down.

Twirling the neck of his wine glass between his fingers Tom took in his surroundings. There was the happy newlywed couple expecting a baby sometime in the summer. Next to them stood Martin and Amanda a pair who had been together for 15 years. For a split second, he wondered why he hadn’t found the right one when so many others had, but he didn’t have time to think on it too much. Benedict’s eyes locked on him and he could see his friend was growing bored. He excused himself and walked over to the tall lanky 34 year old who sat with his legs splayed open.

“Can you at least pretend to be excited? I mean this is my wedding day.” Benedict quipped.

Tom sat up a bit straighter and forced a smile. “Is this better?”

“Not really you look a bit Gene Wilder-ish.” Benedict adjusted his coat and took a seat beside him. “What’s gotten into you then?”

Tom sighed. “I am the only single person here. I look like a complete idiot sitting here by myself.”

“I won’t deny that last bit, but you are definitely not the only single person here.”

“Oh?” Tom perked up a bit. “I assume you were going to introduce me to her at some point.”

“Of course I was! She’s a family friend of Sophie’s, really a great girl.” He stood up and walked across the room chatting up people as he went along.

It seemed for a moment that Benedict was never coming back. Perhaps he had only told Tom he had a date for him out of pity. Tom checked his watch watching as the seconds turned to minutes. Growing increasingly impatient he got up and headed for the bar looking to trade in his wine for a nice glass of scotch. As he put in his request, he felt someone tap him on his shoulder. Benedict had returned. Tom could feel the anticipation building up inside of him. He took his drink and turned around only to be rather disappointed.

“Tom this is Livi.”

Olivia Merchant, known to her friends as Livi, was nothing out of the ordinary. She had dark brown eyes and shoulder length brown hair. She was short in stature standing at a whopping 5 foot 1, her hips were broad, and her legs were short. This wasn’t exactly the type of woman he went for, but with enough scotch, she could at least be decent looking. He took a sip of his drink and extended his hand not wanting to come off rude.

“I’m Tom. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Well I better head back to the wife.”

As Benedict walked away, Tom almost reached out to pull him back not wanting to be left alone with his new “friend.” He glanced down at Livi noting that she had also decided to take advantage of the open bar.

“It’s odd seeing a woman drinking scotch.”

She smiled softly at him. “Well I’m going to need quite a bit of it.”

He furrowed his brow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Let’s be honest. I saw how you looked at me and I know enough about you to know I am not your type. That being said I can’t say I was that impressed with you either.”

“Well now that we’ve gotten that out of the way do you want to go for a walk?”

“Sure.”

The two of them headed outside and to his surprise, they actually got along quite well. They returned to the bar a few more times he for more scotch she decided to switch it up and take water.

“So you’re a friend of….” He snapped his fingers beginning to feel the effects of his somewhat heavy drinking. “….oh what’s her name?”

“Sophie.”

“Yeah that’s it!”

“My parents and her parents are really good friends. Sophie and I didn’t hang out much her being 6 years older than me, but I’ve pretty much known her all my life.” She turned her head and noticed Tom staring up at her his eyes glassy and full of lust. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You’re soooooo purty.” He slurred taking his hand and placing it on her bare knee. “What do you say we go somewhere more private?”

“Are you serious?” She inquired cocking her eyebrow. Just a few hours ago, they both agreed that neither of them found the other remotely attractive yet here he was asking her to go to bed with him. “I’ll pass.”

This answer wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He ran his hand up further lifting her skirt up. “Oh come on. I’m actually really good in bed.”

“That’s beside the point.” He began to force his hand between her legs and that’s when she smacked him so hard the spit flew out of his mouth. “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?”

“I TOLD YOU TO STOP AND YOU WOULDN’T LISTEN! GOD YOU’RE SUCH A PIG!”

That was the end of Livi and Tom’s time together or so he thought. By the next morning, he woke up with a throbbing headache and a burning pain on one side of his face. As much as he simply wanted to crawl, back under the covers he knew he had an important meeting with his publicist. He dragged himself out of bed and got ready heading out the door with minutes to spare. As the brisk English air hit his face flashes of last night began to fill his mind. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and called the one person who would be willing to hear about his not so great experience with Livi.

“You do know I’m on my honeymoon right?” Benedict growled a bit annoyed he was being disturbed during what should be a peaceful time.

“I’m sorry mate I just really needed to get this off my chest.”

“Oh God what did you do now?”

“Nothing terrible I just thought you should know I tried to bed Livi last night.” He could hear Benedict snickering on the other side of the phone. He knew something. “What’s so funny? Did she call you already?”

“No, no it’s not that. Did you just say you tried to fuck Livi?”

“I did and then you…” Benedict began to laugh harder. “…you’re such an asshole.”

“Sorry it’s just that…Livi is a virgin.”

Tom stopped dead in his tracks not believing what he was hearing. “Get on. That’s impossible that would make her a 30 year old virgin and those simply do not exist.”

“You want to bet? She was raised in a pretty strict Catholic family I can assure you she’s saving it.”

It all made so much sense now. “Wow. I just…that’s pretty unfortunate for her.”

“Well it doesn’t have to be that way you know. You’re a pretty persuasive guy.”

He knew exactly where this was going. “No no no. Don’t even mention it get that idea out of your head.”

“Think of this as the ultimate conquest.”

“I’ve already been there.”

“But this is a 30 year old virgin. We’re not talking about some young 15-year-old girl who knows nothing about the world just wanting to get it over with cause that’s what all her friends are doing. This is a woman. A smart woman who has purposely held on to her virginity it doesn’t get any better than that.”

“The answer is still no. Besides I would need to be black out drunk to even remotely think about hitting that.”

“Come off it she’s not that bad. She’s got a great set of tits you have to admit that.”

“Why are you even looking? That’s your now wife’s family friend.”

“Well…that’s irrelevant. Look I will pay you to put your dick in her.”

Tom rolled his eyes everything about this conversation was ridiculous. “I’m hanging up now.”

“I will pay you a grand if you can get her into bed let’s say by the end of the month.”

“Mmmmm I’m going to need longer than that.”

“Fine we’ll make it 3. Fair enough?”

Tom took a deep breath still unsure if he wanted to agree to such a ridiculous bet. He reminded himself that this was just taking someone’s virginity. No attachment it was strictly sex. None of this could possibly come to bite him in the ass later and Benedict would keep it a secret. No one would have to know not even Livi.

“I’ll do it, but no one can find out about this I mean no one.”

“Done. Now hang up and go get laid.”

* * *

 

Tom didn’t waste any time finding Livi’s address on google and deciding to pay her a visit. This didn’t sit well with Luke who agreed to push their meeting back until late afternoon. As he stood in front of the nicely hidden home, which sat not too far from his own he couldn’t help but wonder how he had never run into her. Surely living in the same area, they frequented the same places and yet he can’t recall ever seeing her before last night. He walked up the gravel walkway and peered in the front door knocking gently with his knuckle. He hoped she wouldn’t answer, hoped she was out running errands, but then he heard her footsteps growing closer and now there was no turning back.

The door flew open and a shocked expression crossed her face. “Um…can I help you?”

“Are you really that surprised to see me darling? After the romantic night we spent together…”

She stopped him from finishing his sentence. “You really think trying to finger me while we’re sitting outside of a wedding reception is romantic?”

“I was a bit drunk.” He forced himself passed her heading into the dining room. “You have a really nice home I’m impressed.”

“You say that like I’m supposed to care. I didn’t invite you in.”

“I know.” Tom could be extremely rude at times but he had one thing on his mind and that was getting into her knickers. “I thought we could talk over a cup of tea.”

“Only if you’re making the tea yourself.”

“I’m a guest why would I make the tea?” He looked down at her dining room table camera equipment strewn across its hard wooden surface. “Holy shit.” He mumbled before looking up at her. “You’re the Olivia Merchant the very photographer I’m going to meet with my publicist about.”

“Luke is your publicist? God now I am regretting ever agreeing to anything with him.”

“You’re becoming quite famous you know. Those pictures you took of Emma Watson last month were stunning.”

“Yeah well Emma is a bit more pleasant to be around.”

“Am I not pleasant?”

“Actually you’re very bothersome.” She sighed. “But you are a guest so I guess I will make the tea.”

He tossed her an awkward smile yet she didn’t return the gesture. As she headed into the kitchen, he sat down and began to examine her lenses finding them to be quite interesting. He shifted the heavy object in his hand taking in the random numbers he knew nothing about and was quite fascinated by its zooming mechanisms. As he attempted to twist the barrel, he felt himself begin to lose his grip and watched helplessly as it fell from his hand and onto the floor with a loud BANG.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Livi yelled frustrated that this man was still in her home. “Alright I’ve had just about enough.” She stormed back in handing him his cup of tea spilling a bit of it on his white v-neck shirt. “Drink your tea and get out.”

“I’m really sorry I didn’t mean to. I can buy you a new one.”

“I wouldn’t accept anything from you if my life depended on it. In fact, you can take the teacup with you right now. I just want you out of my house.”

“Fine. I tried to be nice, but you just aren’t having it.”

“Nice? You come over uninvited, practically let yourself into my home, you break my things, and then you want to convince me you’re just trying to be nice?”

There was no use arguing with her and his first attempt at getting to know her better had failed. Perhaps Tom wasn’t as smooth as he thought he was and as he left her house teacup in hand, he decided the bet was off.

“I can’t do it Ben.”

“You know this is the SECOND time you’ve called me while I’m on my HONEYMOON.”

“I know I know I’m sorry. The bet is off she’s just too difficult.”

“I've told you before she's really not that bad. Just give her a chance.”

“I’m walking down the road with a teacup in my hand after she booted me from her home.”

“I have a feeling she had good reason to do so. Now just relax and perhaps try not to be such a wanker.”

Tom strolled into Luke’s office still sipping on his tea.

“I don’t want to know.” Luke stated still a bit agitated with his client. “So tomorrow you have a photo session with Olivia Merchant.”

“I’ll pass.”

Luke pursed his lips. “Don’t be difficult Tom.”

“I’m not. I really don’t want to do it. I have enough photos of myself. Can’t we use some old ones for the magazine spread or better yet hire another photographer?”

“No. What do you have against Olivia Merchant? She’s a brilliant photographer one of the best newcomers we’ve seen so far this year.”

“I don’t care for her style it’s too…artsy fartsy.”

“Says the man who was photographed in a blazer with dragonflies pinned to it. She’s amazing and I don’t want to hear any more about it.”

Tom rolled his lips together knowing there was no way getting around this. He would have to face Livi again and this time he was going to make sure he was prepared. Luke watched as Tom approached his desk and sat his teacup on the edge before turning around to leave.

“Bleeding Christ Tom I am not a maid you clean your own dishes.”

“No no it’s a gift.” Tom smirked. “It’s an authentic Olivia Merchant teacup straight out of her own cupboard I swear to it. Since you’re such a big fan I thought maybe you’d like to hang on to it for me.”


	2. Piperrada

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Livi and Tom meet again after the disastrous incident at her home. This time, however, Tom is determined to get on her good side.

That feeling you get when your heart is beating so hard it feels as if it will just explode from your ribcage. That’s how Tom was feeling that morning as he stood there getting his suit fitted. The jacket was a violent shade of purple not at all something he would have picked out for himself, but he was informed that Livi wanted that “pop of color” to make him stand out. A small pin pricked into his side and he flinched.

“Jesus Christ I’m not a pin cushion!”

The tailor sat on the heels of his feet looking up at the tall man before him. “I’m sorry the jacket is just too big. I don’t understand it Luke gave the measurements to Livi and…”

Tom raised his hand. “You don’t have to say anymore.”

A soft knock came at the door and Luke popped his head in. “Aren’t you ready yet? We’re already an hour behind.”

“The suit jacket is too big thanks to Miss Artsy Fartsy.”

“I wish you wouldn’t call her that.” Luke stepped in glancing over Tom his eyes taking a while to adjust to the color of his jacket. “What did you do to her anyways? I was just chatting with her and the mere mention of your name made her face turn red with anger.”

Tom shifted his eyes not wanting to give away too many details. “I may or may not have taken a detour to her home on my morning walk…uninvited…and I possibly forced entry, but that doesn’t matter.”

“I have a feeling she’s going to completely mutilate you in the editing room later. You need to make amends with her. This could make you or break you.”

Tom scoffed at the very idea that a photo shoot could have that much impact on his career. “I’m a good enough actor that I could probably never do another magazine spread and still win an Oscar just based on raw talent.”

“You’re so full of yourself you know that.”

“Excuse me…” A soft voice came from the other side of the door. “…they’re ready for you.”

The vain actor and his miffed publicist headed into the studio the lights blinding them immediately. Tom threw his hand up over his eyes shielding them from the brightness giving him a better view of his environment. He could see a shadowy figure moving swiftly in the darkness creeping closer to where he stood. As she came into view, Tom immediately felt his heartbeat move into his throat. It was a most uncomfortable feeling one that only intensified every time he swallowed. Livi strolled passed him not saying a single word.

“Aren’t you going to tell me hello?”

“No. We’re already late I don’t have time to talk.”

“That’s most regrettable for I wanted to apologize for yesterday.”

“Alright just go stand over there if you would please.” She requested wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible.

Tom spun on his heels heading towards the white backdrop standing right in the middle of it. “Like this?”

“You’re 34 years old do you really need assurance from me that you are indeed standing in the correct spot?”

“I just thought you know as a professional you would give your client a bit more direction.”

This comment only riled her up more. As if he wasn’t obnoxious enough yesterday he sure was laying it on thick this morning.

“You want direction Tom?” She grabbed her camera from off the table behind her waltzing over to stand in front of him. “Stand there, look pretty, and shut up.”

Tom and Livi didn’t speak for the remainder of their time together in fact, he hadn’t heard from her in almost two weeks. He tried to call her leaving her numerous voice messages, but she never returned them. It looked like Benedict was going to win the bet and it pissed Tom off to no end. He was romantic, he was charming, he should have been able to get into her pants within the first week, but instead he found himself sitting on his couch fuming at the idea of paying Benedict a grand.

Just as he was, about to call her again his phone went off in his hand. It was Livi. He pressed the green button on the screen and pressed the device to his ear.

“I see you finally decided to…”

“I didn’t call because you left me 20,000 voicemails.”

“I think you’re exaggerating just a bit.”

“I have the photos ready and I thought maybe we could meet up so you could take a look at them.”

“Are you…are you seeking my approval?”

“Or I could just publish the unedited versions if you’d like.”

“That won’t be necessary. There’s a small Greek restaurant around the corner from my home if you’re into that sort of thing.”

“I actually really hate Greek food, but I will meet you there in half an hour.”

Tom puckered his lips as his second plate of Greek potatoes appeared on the table. Livi was an hour late. He reached over to grab one of the potatoes the palm of his hand hitting the hot plate sending him recoiling. The searing pain began to intensify and he immediately reached into his glass of water pulling out an ice cube. He applied it to the burn and felt relief.

“You know I heard ice isn’t good for burns.”

Tom kept his eyes on his hand. “I didn’t know you were a doctor too.”

“I was just trying to help you don’t have to be so nasty.”

“Says the woman who is out to get me.”

She opened her mouth to reply only to realize he was right. “I guess I have been sort of a bitch, but you have to understand where I’m coming from.”

“Let’s not argue I’m not in the mood.” Tom snapped simply wanting to see the photographs and head home to treat his burned hand.

Livi pulled out her chair and took a seat across from him grabbing her laptop from its resting place. “I think they came out well. You photograph nicely if I do say so myself.”

“Was that a compliment?”

“Watch it or I’ll take it back.”

Tom zipped his lips watching as she fiddled with her computer finally turning it around to let him view her hard work.

As much as he hated to admit it, she really was extremely talented. The angles she used were unlike anything he had ever seen she truly showed him as he was in his natural state. The purple jacket made the images stand out and the fact that it seemed to hang off his slim figure only added to their charm.

“These are amazing.”

“I didn’t have to edit them much.”

“That’s the second time you’ve…”

“Yes I know. I usually don’t just dish them out like that.”

Tom smiled at her and was elated to see her smile back. “You know I’m really not that horrible. I’m sorry for barging into your home. I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Well a bit of warning would have been nice. After all the incident at Sophie and Ben’s wedding didn’t exactly make me fond of you.”

Tom suddenly felt a sense of remorse something he wasn’t expecting. There was more to this than he could have anticipated. Livi wasn’t holding on to her virginity because she believed in waiting until marriage there were many other factors that contributed to this decision and he intended on finding them all out.

He pushed his plate across the table as sort of a peace offering. “I know you said you don’t eat Greek food, but these are actually really good.”

Livi reluctantly took a potato taking a small bite out of it. “Wow these are delicious.”

“I’m sort of a potato connoisseur.”

“I bet that looks good on your résumé.”

Hearing her spurt out the word “bet” reminded him of the task at hand. He may have messed up last time, but now he was focused and ready to try again.

“What kind of food do you like?”

Livi shrugged taking another potato. “I really love Spanish food. I lived in Spain for a while.”

“I envy you.”

“Don’t. I went there to live with an ex-boyfriend and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.”

“I take it back. What was so horrible about it?”

Livi reached for her laptop closing the lid and pulling it back towards her. “It was nice meeting with you Tom. Hopefully I will get to photograph you again one day.”

“I still want to take you out.”

“Believe me you don’t want to do that. You’re better off dating those good looking women I always see you with. Stick to what you know.”

“I don’t see what’s so bad about wanting to take a friend out for dinner.”

“We’re not friends.” She forcefully threw her laptop back into her bag growing increasingly upset by the conversation. “Just it’s strictly business alright?”

Tom nodded knowing why she was holding back. Livi stood up and collected her belongings. He could tell she was trying hard not to cry her virginity for some reason had become a terrible burden. She knew men would be turned off by the idea of a 30 year old who’s never experienced anything of a sexual nature. As she began to walk away, Tom drew in a deep breath before making one final attempt at getting her to relax around him.

“I know this place in the city that makes a mean piperrada. Too bad you’re going to miss out on it.”

Livi stopped and swung around still trying to hold back her tears. “Piperrada is my favorite.” She revealed intrigued by his knowledge of all things food. “Alright Tom Hiddleston you win. I’ll go out with you.”


	3. Pigeons on the Train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom and Livi meet for a simple dinner which turns out to be more than either of them anticipated. A short ride on the River Thames reveals their passions and ends with a pigeon on a train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally I got to chapter 3! I was without a laptop for a few days which was a nightmare, but yay it's finished!

How does one accumulate so much clothing? It was a question Tom asked himself daily. He didn’t remember his wardrobe getting this out of hand and as he stared into the abyss that was his closet, he pondered how he got there. It stared out simple. A few button down shirts and two pairs of trousers that he wore constantly. It even got to a point where people were poking fun at the fact that he never seemed to change his clothes. _That’s it_ , he thought, _that’s where the trouble started_. He began collecting things wanting to come off more polished and give off the vibe that he indeed owned more than he did. After a while, it just piled up and now he was left to deal with it all. It made deciding what to wear a total nightmare. There was only one person to call to help him make this process less painful than it already was.

“Ben!” He shouted hoping his friend wasn’t too cranky after losing the Oscar to their friend Eddie. “I need your help.”

“Alright get on with it.”

“I’m going out tonight…”

“With who?”

Tom knew the moment he mentioned he was going out that Ben would take a firm interest in who he was meeting with.”

“Just a friend. Now I’m standing here staring into my closet…"

“Did your clothes burn?”

“No my clothes are still intact thank you.”

“I’m telling you that closet is a fire hazard!”

“Yes I know now I’m trying to figure out what to wear.”

“I could help a lot more if I knew who you were going out with.”

“Should I wear a blue shirt or the red plaid that seems to make all the girls go mental?”

“So you are trying to impress someone.”

Tom stopped trying to remember what he previously said. “I don’t believe I said anything of the sort.”

“Stop it. You only ever consider the plaid shirt of sex when you’re trying to get laid.”

“I’m hanging up now you have been zero help. I’ll call Eddie instead he’s always so polite to me.”

After what seemed like an eternity, Tom decided on the red plaid shirt. As he stared at himself in the mirror, he began to speculate if he really was trying to get Livi to notice him. He had the first few buttons undone exposing a great deal of skin and what little chest hair he had. There was no way she wouldn’t find him appealing, but why did he want her too? Was it the bet or was he really starting to take a liking to her? He brushed off his feelings grabbing his jacket and heading out the door. Livi told him through a text message to meet her there, which to him meant to leave the house an hour later than she requested. As he approached the restaurant, he saw her walking towards him looking extremely agitated.

“Hello.” Tom greeted. “You alright?”

She stopped in front of him her deep brown eyes boring into him. “So you finally decided to show up?”

Her question baffled him. “Well…yes. You’re usually an hour late so I just thought when you said 6 you meant 7 in your time.”

He expected her to become extremely angry shouting obscenities at him and telling him what an appalling person he was. Instead, he was pleasantly surprised when she began laughing at his response.

“I guess that makes sense. It’s true I am always late. I came on time because Benedict always talks about how punctual you are when it comes to dates.” After she realized what she had said, she tried her best to explain herself. “I mean this isn’t a date I’m just…are you hungry?”

Tom was rather elated when she mentioned they were on a date though he wasn’t going to let her know that.

The two of them spent a lovely evening together and Tom enjoyed finding out more about the woman whom he had only met a week ago. Livi was an only child growing up in Newquay right on the North Atlantic. Her father was a doctor and her mother a homemaker. Though she was Oxford educated, she disappointed her parents when she informed them of her decision to become a photographer. It was especially hard for her father who expected her to follow in his footsteps. At one point it got so bad the two of them didn’t speak to each other for over 3 years. Things eventually settled down though her relationship with both of her parents was strained and that would never change. She seemed to have found her passion in life and she threw herself into it completely. He thought maybe this was the true cause of her still being a virgin at 30 for she never took the time out to really date anyone. As their dinner wound down and the two of them exited the restaurant she began to reveal that, it went much deeper than what was on the surface.

“Thank you for meeting me out. It’s my birthday and I didn’t have any plans.”

“Wait…” He gently grabbed her arm stopping her front walking any further. “…today is your birthday?”

“I know it’s really pathetic. You would think I would have friends to enjoy myself with, but truth be told my parents didn’t even call so I think that says a lot.”

Tom pitied her despite knowing she wouldn’t want that. How horrible must she be feeling right now? To have people you considered your friends, your own family, just forget about you. He had to do something to make the night special for her dinner was just not going to cut it.

“Well I for one would like to wish you a very happy birthday and if you’re not in too much of a hurry I have one more thing planned.” He lied for he really didn’t.

“You don’t have to do this you know. There’s a reason I don’t have friends.”

“I’m your friend.”

“You won’t be after you find out the truth.”

“Why don’t you just tell me and let me be the judge of that?”

“Fine. I’m bipolar. It’s hard for me to keep friends I’m just really awkward and self-conscious and why am I telling you this?”

“Because for some reason you think this is going to change something between us.”

“There’s nothing between this.”

“I mean friend wise you think it’s going to make me not want to be your friend.”

“But you’re not my friend.”

“I am your friend. We are friends. We hung out tonight and will hang out again.”

“Will we?”

“We’re about to now if you stop talking.”

Tom had rowed the River Thames many times and always found it to be extremely romantic when you were with the right person. Not that he was going for the amorous side of it he just wanted to have a bit of fun. As their boat came to rest in the middle of the river, he looked up stunned at how clear the night sky was. There wasn’t a cloud to be seen and the stars were twinkling brightly. Tom opened his mouth to mention how beautiful the dark blue night was and instead was greeted by Livi’s broad knowledge of various constellations. He could listen to her for hours as she pointed out the big dipper and Gemini.

“You know the big dipper is actually part of a larger group of stars that make the shape of the Great Bear.”

He couldn’t see half of the things she was talking about for he was too busy concentrating on the sound of her voice. It was so soft and calming.

“Tom?” The sound of his own name broke him from his trance. “Are you even paying attention?”

“I am actually.”

“Alright then. Find Orion’s belt.”

He bit his lip and gazed upwards not wanting to give the wrong answer. “Is it…is it that group of three stars in a row right there?”

She smiled. “That is exactly it. You really were listening.” Suddenly a loud splash echoed through the quiet night that spooked her. “What was that?”

Tom decided it was time for him to take over this knowledge fest. “Did you know in the 13th century Henry III used to let his polar bear fish in the river?”

Livi rolled her eyes. “Oh shut up.”

“I’m completely serious. The bear was a gift from the king of Norway and he used to chain him up and let him fish from the banks without him escaping. Henry had lots of exotic animals’ lions, leopards, elephants even ostriches.”

“You are just full of useless information aren’t you?”

He puckered his lips annoyed by her comment. “It’s not useless.”

“Please. Who cares about polar bears fishing in the river?”

“I do. I care about it a great deal almost as much as you care about bears made out of stars.”

Livi knew he was right something she wasn’t used to. Most of the time people just let her have her way she had never been around someone who wasn’t afraid to put her in her place.

“You’re right…again. Well then I guess I have rambled on enough about stars so by all means fill my head with…interesting facts.”

“There’s a monster in Loch Ness.”

“No shit.”

“Just making sure you’re being attentive.”

Just as much as Livi babbled on earlier, Tom talked aimlessly about the urban legends of London. Some of them were complete nonsense, but that didn’t make them anymore interesting. After a while, she found herself actually enthralled by his tales wondering if they ever actually happened. He spoke of the pigs in the sewers, Anne Boleyn’s ghost, and the one that intrigued her most pigeons riding on the tube. In all her years, she had never seen such a thing, but Tom swore up and down that these things actually happened.

“I rode on a train with a pigeon once.”

“Get on.”

“I promise you. It got on at Waterloo and got off at Chalk Farm.”

They returned the boat to the dock going over their allotted time, which the attendant was more than willing to forgive. The two of them then headed to the nearest tube station with Tom still trying to convince her that the pigeon story was real. As the train came to a stop the two of them stood silently side by side both of them attempting to collect their thoughts. Tom had actually had a wonderful time something he would have never expected when he first met her. Livi herself was in shock at how well their night went. It was the first time in a long while she actually felt like she had someone she could depend on someone who wanted to be around her. After all Tom had said he was her friend and that meant he now had the typical friendly duties.

As the doors opened, they both snapped back to reality climbing on the train and finding their spots. Tom chose to stand allowing other people who truly needed the seats to sit down. Livi stood next to him and as she reached to grab onto the pole between them she brushed against his warm hand. A shiver immediately ran down her spine and she apologized not wanting him to know what she had felt. As the train began to depart a familiar, cooing sound came from around her feet. She peered down and was astounded. There before her was a pigeon.

“You have got to be kidding me.”

Tom chuckled staring at the bird who stood there enjoying his ride through the tube. “See? Told you pigeons ride the train.”


	4. Five Grand

A rare event occurred in London the next morning as the sun crept over the houses it’s like slowly peeking into Tom’s window. It struck his eyes causing him to flinch. His head began to throb no doubt from waking so suddenly. He sat up and stretched out his back drawing in a deep breath still unwilling to open his eyes. It wasn’t until his phone began vibrating loudly on the side table that he decided to get up. Throwing the sheets off him, he swung his legs over the side of the bed his feet hitting the cold hardwood floor. The phone by now had stopped and he leaned over to see who had called. It was Benedict. What could he possibly want at this time of the morning? Tom wasn’t ready to find out instead opting for a nice shower. The hot streams of water hit his face and the droplets rolled down his back collecting at the bottom around his feet. It was just what he needed to feel refreshed and ready to conquer the day. He stepped out and grabbed his towel wrapping it around his small waist the familiar sound of his phone going off rang through the steamy bathroom air. He rushed back to his bedroom and grabbed his phone to discover he had not one, but 17 missed calls all from the same person who was ringing him for the 18th time.

He pressed the answer button pressing the device against his ear. “Isn’t it a little early for stalking?”

Benedict released a deep booming laugh. “I know who you were out with last night.”

Tom’s eyes widened for he didn’t mention his plans to anyone. “You’re full of shit.”

“You went out with Olivia. You had dinner at some fancy restaurant and then rowed on the river for a bit before hopping on the tube home. Does any of that sound familiar?”

“How…” His heart was pounding so hard he could feel it in his neck. “…how did you know?”

“The photos are all over social media. A Tumblr user who shall not be named posted them first. Of course, it was taken down an hour later, but you know how quickly things get around. I sent them to you earlier.”

Tom pulled his phone away frantically going through his text messages. The moment he saw the photos he began to think of Livi. How she was handling all of this? She was a rather private person and being a photographer didn’t necessarily mean she was in the limelight as much as he was. It was a devastating blow and Benedict reminding him of the bet they had didn’t make it any easier.

“Ben I need you to meet me for breakfast right now.”

“I can’t I’m supposed to go out with Sop…”

“Just please it’s about the bet.”

Once Benedict heard that he agreed. Tom hastily dressed himself and headed out the door. The entire way, Tom was trying to get ahold of Livi and every time it went straight to voicemail. He felt horrible about the situation. She had just started to let him in, to let him see who she really was and now every bit of progress they had made was gone. He rounded the corner and approached the small café taking a seat at one of the tables outside. Benedict couldn’t get there fast enough and when he did, he could see that Tom was growing increasingly anxious.

Benedict took a seat noting the annoying movements his friend was making. “Stop shaking your legs like that you’re rocking the entire table.” Tom hadn’t heard anything he said prompting Benedict to reach over and squeeze his knee. “I said stop!”

“Sorry.”

“What did you want to see me about?”

Tom pinched the bridge of his nose trying to relieve the headache that had been intensifying. “I can’t do it.”

“Do what?” Benedict questioned. “Are you talking about the bet we made?”

“Yes that’s exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t want to hurt her anymore.”

“Look you can’t tell me you didn’t know this would happen. You’re Tom Hiddleston the king of Tumblr the very sight of you with any female sends them into an uproar. It doesn’t mean you should just quit she’ll get over it.”

“It’s not about that.”

Benedict shifted his eyes. “Are you starting to have feelings for this girl?”

Tom rolled his eyes. “No I’m not. Let’s just admit it was a stupid idea and move on.”

“I’ll up the ante. I will pay you five grand to get into her pants.”

Why was he being so persistent? Couldn’t he tell that Tom was uneasy about the entire thing? By now, he wanted nothing more than to just shut Benedict up. He nodded his head hoping it would suffice. Knowing his friend was still on board with their potentially damaging bet made everything better and the two enjoyed their breakfast without any more mention of the incident with Livi. However as soon as they departed each others company Tom’s phone went off.

“Luke let me guess. You want to see me.”

“You’re so smart Thomas.” Hearing him call him by his full name was a definite sign that Luke was raging. “If you could get here as soon as possible that would make me the happiest publicist in the entire universe. Ta!”

Tom stood outside debating whether he really wanted to go in. Luke could be a bit harsh when he was in a bad mood and he wasn’t certain he was ready to deal with it. He could have stood outside all day except that when he didn’t go to Luke, Luke came to him. The door flung open and out walked the one person Tom didn’t want to see that day his face red with anger.

“They’re everywhere!”

“I’m aware of that. It’s nothing you can’t handle.”

“Thank you for being so nonchalant about the entire situation. Do you know who I spoke to this morning?”

Tom could only hope it was Livi. “Olivia Merchant?”

“No! I spoke to one of her representatives and she informed me that you are no longer welcome at her studio. She said Olivia personally requested that you be officially barred from contacting her in any way shape or form and you know that spread you were supposed to get next month? The one we all worked our arses off to get you. Well that’s kaput now. They’re giving it to some idiot newcomer I don’t even remember his name.”

“Damn she’s really pissed.” Tom whispered under his breath.

“You think?”

“Look I’ve been trying to call her all morning…”

“Like she wants to talk to you. This isn’t about the photos I could care less about who you’re sticking your dick in, but when it interferes with your career that’s another story.”

“As my publicist here is my official statement on the matter and you do what you want with it. I’m not sticking my dick in her, we’re just friends, and that’s all.”

After going hours without so much as a reply Tom decided perhaps it was time to pay Livi a visit. He opened her front gate heading up the stone driveway passed her car towards her front door. The lights were out, but that didn’t deter him. He had to speak with her had to let her know that things weren’t as bad as they seemed. Knocking gently on her front door he peered into the window looking for any sign of life. He then remembered the conversation they had last night when she mentioned that she was bipolar. His heart leapt into his throat and the worst case scenario flew through his mind. It couldn’t possibly be considered breaking and entering if he was concerned for her well-being…could it? He wasn’t taking any chances. He cocked his fist back not realizing that this was going to end very badly. As his hand smashed through the glass he instantly felt a burning sensation crawl up his arm. As he looked down noting the bright red blood that was now gushing from the huge gash he had created on his flesh he heard her approach him.

“What in the hell are you doing!?” She shouted rushing into her kitchen and returning with a handful of towels. “God you’re bleeding all over my floor. You know this is the second time you’ve broken into my house.”

“I was worried about you when you wouldn’t answer my calls.”

“Did you ever stop to think maybe I just didn’t want to speak to you? Ugh come on let’s get you to the hospital.”

Twelve stitches later Tom was ready to head home and Livi was kind enough to drive him. He sat in the passenger seat uncomfortable with the silence that had fallen between them.

“I didn’t know they were taking photos of us.”

She shook her head annoyed by his thinking. “That’s not the problem at all.”

“Then what? I thought we were friends isn’t that what friends do? We tell each other when things are bothering us.”

“I regret whatever was said last night. I really don’t want anything to do with you.”

“That’s a bit rude.”

“Rude? No rude is reading comments such as She’s just a big fat virgin. Why is Tom with her she’s not his type at all he usually goes for the skinny pretty girls? I bet she looks bigger in person. She’s so gross.”

Tom sighed. “That’s just a small part of my fan base. I can assure you they’re not all like that."

“Did you not hear me?”

“I heard you loud and clear.”

“So me being a 31 year old virgin really means nothing to you?”

“No it doesn’t.”

“You’re a horrible fucking liar.”

“I’m not lying! Why does it matter so much to you? Is this your way of revealing you’re attracted to me?” He asked the little voice in his head repeating _Please say yes._

“You think I find you attractive?” She laughed. “You’re a dopey gangly looking thing with big ears and a rather large nose, your jaw is a bit crooked when you talk…” Before she could finish insulting him, they pulled up to his house.

He didn’t even wait until the car came to a complete stop wanting to get out of that car as quickly as possible. Tom didn’t even tell her goodbye he just slammed the door closed with his foot and went inside. Livi sat there thinking over what she had just said and without delay felt a strong sense of guilt. Her words had been extremely hurtful and his reaction only affirmed that he really liked her. She began to wonder why she had pushed him away. Was it really the disgusting comments? Was she just scared to let him in? Was it because she didn’t want a repeat of her time in Spain? It could be a million things, but she knew they were better off without each other.

Tom watched from the window as she left her bright red BMW disappearing down the road. He didn’t expect to be this bothered by something she said. It truly hurt him hearing her pick out every flaw he had. Now he knew how she must have felt and it didn’t feel good. He trudged up the stairs and crawled into his bed eager to take a good long nap. Today had drained him. First Benedict insisted he keep up with their bet, than Luke chewed him out over the magazine spread, and now Livi absolutely hated him. This day couldn’t get any worse. As he closed his eyes, he thought of her soothing voice for it always calmed him. Sure enough, within a matter of minutes he was in a deep sleep finally being relieved from the stress of the day.


	5. You're a Whore

Walks were always a sure way of getting your mind off things. Tom had begun to do them daily especially now that he had his friend’s dog to take care of. Clyde the schnauzer would be staying with him for the next two weeks while his mate and his wife enjoyed a holiday away from the cold of London. Thinking about them basking in the Hawaiian sun made Tom jealous for if anyone needed a break from life it was him. He hadn’t seen or spoken to Livi in two months, Luke was pestering him constantly to make up with her, and Benedict extended the bet to allow Tom a bit more time. He was on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

As they rounded the corner, Clyde began tugging his leash a bit harder catching Tom off guard and pulling him into the woman in front of him.

“I am so sorry. He gets a bit excited at times.”

“It’s alright.”

That voice sounded so familiar. He pushed his black frame glasses up the bridge of his nose and stared at the person in front of him. “Well if it isn’t Olivia Merchant.”

“Holy shit. Wow I almost didn’t recognize you.”

“I’m not surprised considering we haven’t seen each other in forever.”

“You’re mad at me.”

“You think?” He stated bothered by her attitude. “I’m going to go now before I say something I’ll regret.”

He pushed passed her a feeling of anger building up inside of him. Just the sight of her irked him tremendously. He took long quick strides hoping to forget that he ever saw her. Clyde struggled to keep up the pace falling behind.

“Stop it you’re going to hurt him!” Olivia shouted walking quickly towards them.

“He’s fine just please leave me alone.”

She approached them and scooped the dog up in her arms. “I just needed some time away from you.”

“And you couldn’t simply tell me that over a text? I’d have felt a lot better knowing…”

“Knowing what? I screwed up I’m sorry.”

Tom gasped. “Come again?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“One more time.”

“I’M SORRY!”

“Well then.” He smiled. “Since you’ve apologized I guess you can join me and Clyde on our walk.”

“What makes you think I want to go for a walk with you?”

“Fine just give me my dog and I’ll be on my way.”

She bit her lip. “Well I don’t have any plans so I might as well.”

Livi handed him the dog back and the two of them continued anxious to catch up. They talked about where their careers were headed, what they had been doing the past 2 months, and if they were seeing anyone in particular. Tom was elated to hear that she was still single, but he wasn’t completely surprised. She, however, was not delighted when he told her that he had, had a few one nighters and upon hearing this fell silent.

“Everything alright?”

She hesitated at first before speaking up. “I just don’t know how you can treat sex so casually.”

He shrugged. “It is what it is. It doesn’t make me a bad person.”

“No I didn’t say that I just…ignore me I’m a virgin what do I know.”

“Do you think that somehow your virginity defines who you are? Every time you talk about it you make it sound so god awful.”

“We live in a society that pushes sex in our faces every day. It’s hard not to feel like a weirdo because you haven’t fucked anyone.”

Hearing her say the F word, always left him struggling to control his sexual appetite. “Um…well you know…virginity is still a good thing...it's not for everyone, but still a good thing.”

She could see that he was struggling with his words. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah I just…I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say fuck so casually before. Except that one time.”

“I actually say it quite a bit you just need to spend some more time with me.” She glanced over at him taking in his appearance his glasses making him a bit more appealing. “I didn’t know you needed glasses.”

“I’m blind as a bat. I just prefer contacts it makes me more visually appealing.”

“I disagree. I actually find you more attractive with them on.” He tossed her a confused glance trying to process what she had just said. “Yes I called you attractive. All those things I said weren’t true I was just trying to hurt you.”

“You want to go to Iceland?”

She stopped dead in her tracks watching as he walked on without her. Was he serious? Did he really just ask her to go on a holiday with him? She could feel her heart racing as panic set in. She hadn’t been alone with a man since the Spain incident and it caused old feelings to bubble up. Tom finally noticed she was no longer following behind him and turned on his heels. He could see the troubled look on her face.

“It’s just a friendly trip honestly. It’s really beautiful out there I thought maybe you could get some good photographs.”

She raised her eyebrow. “A friendly trip? You just confessed to me you have one nighters and you expect me to believe it’s just a friendly trip?”

“Yes. Why were you counting on me trying to have sex with you?”

“I wouldn’t say counting on it. You just took me by surprised is all. The last time I had a guy ask me to take a trip with him it ended horribly.”

“You mean Spain.” He sucked on his bottom lip. “What happened in Spain anyways?”

She smiled softly. “I think I should go.”

“Will you at least think about Iceland?”

“I’ll think about it.”

A week went by and the two were in constant contact. The more he spoke to her the more he found his feeling beginning to shift. He no longer detested or liked her as just a friend. It was starting to become more than that, but he never let his feelings known out of fear she would disappear again. He constantly brought up Iceland and every time he did, she was sure to change the subject. Finally, it came down to the wire. He was leaving tomorrow with or without her and he needed an answer. He couldn’t make her say yes even though he wanted her too. It was in Livi’s hands now. He could hear her breath on the other end of the phone as the anticipation built up inside of him.

“So are you coming or not?” He asked trying to keep himself calm.

“You’ve annoyed me to the point where I feel like the only way to get you to shut up is to say yes.”

He perked up. “Really?”

“On one condition.”

“I promise I won’t try to have sex with you.”

“I know you won’t because Clyde is coming with us.”

“You want to bring the dog?”

“So he can act as a barrier between us.”

“We’re sleeping in two separate beds.” He lied trying to figure out how she knew the truth.

She chuckled. “How many times have I told you that you’re a horrible liar?”

He whispered. “It was all they had available.”

“I’m so sure. Well I better go I have a lot of packing to do.”

They met up the next morning at the airport knowing that people would see them together. It didn’t seem to bother Livi as much as it did before in fact it appeared as if she wanted to be seen with him. As they boarded the plane, she latched on to his arm not wanting to be separated from him. It felt nice knowing that she wanted to be around him. As they took off Tom grabbed for his iPad excited to make use of the planes WiFi. He immediately headed to Tumblr knowing how quickly news traveled on that website. Sure enough the moment he searched his tag there they were. Pictures of the two of them in the airport standing in line to buy snacks, sitting in the terminal talking about if Clyde would enjoy his first flight, and sitting next to each other on the aircraft itself.

“That didn’t take long.” He showed her the images that were now gaining traction. “Should we read some of the comments?”

“By all means.” The two of them had learned to laugh at the situation for there was little else they could do. “Read the mean ones about me first.”

He scrolled down. “You’re a whore basically.”

“I am? How ironic.”

“Want to hear a theory about our relationship?”

“Is it the one where I’m supposedly secretly married and cheating on my husband?”

He frowned. “You ruined the whole thing…and you’re still a whore.”

She laughed. “Well it takes a whore to know a whore.”

They could hear people whispering the entire way there. Girls’ peering down the aisle towards them wanting to know exactly what was going on. The sound of hurried tapping of a cellphone keyboard rang through the air as they typed to their fellow Hiddlestoners. Tom turned around on occasion to look at them making them feel both giddy and uncomfortable. He watched as one by one they slouched down in their seats eager to hide themselves away from his peering eyes.

“Kiss me.”

Livi gagged. “You have officially lost your mind.”

“I just think if they are talking we may as well give them something worth talking about.”

“I could slap you that’s one way of doing it.”

“They would absolutely hate you if you did that. Basically it would be a death sentence.”

“I am not scared of your fans.”

“You should be. Come on just one kiss it won’t hurt anything.”

She took a deep breath turning towards him his eyes fixated on her. Slowly she leaned in her thoughts were racing. The whispering got louder as she got closer his warm breath striking her face.

“Are you sure we should do this?” She questioned still unsure of the situation.

He didn’t even answer. His lips crashed into hers and in that moment he felt both thrilled and absolutely terrified. It was as if a lightning bolt had gone through him. Every nerve in his body was going off at once. He had never felt anything so powerful before in his life. It was too much for him to handle and he quickly pulled away relaxing back into his seat trying to understand what had just happened.

“I’m a bad kisser I knew it.” She covered her face with her hands.

“You’re actually really good at it for being such an amateur.”

She revealed her face and scrunched her nose. “I’m actually very skilled in the art of making out. In case you forgot I did have a serious boyfriend once upon a time.”

“A serious boyfriend you won’t discuss.”

The moment she heard him bring it up yet again she shut down. She grabbed her pillow and placed it behind her head reclining back and closing her eyes. For a split second she regretted what had just happened and couldn’t believe she had let him convince her to kiss him. However, she had felt the same spark he did and as much as she wanted to be angry with him she couldn’t. Her eyes flew open taking in his rather nice profile as he sat there feeling guilty for mentioning the subject again.

“If you really want to know what happened I will tell you. I trust you enough and I hope it will help you understand more of why I am the way I am.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.” She reached over and placed her hand on his. “After I sleep though. I’m no good at venting my feelings when I’m tired.”

He nodded. “That seems fair…you’re still a whore though.”


	6. Blue Lagoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom discovers the reasons behind Livi's keeping her virginity and things begin to get a little steamy.

For some reason when people think of Iceland, they imagine unbearable conditions of ice and snow year round. They’re always pleasantly surprised to discover that their climate isn’t as harsh as it may seem. In April the high was a whopping 5 degrees Celsius. However, the weather wasn’t the only thing that shocked Livi about the country she was visiting for the first time. Upon exiting the aircraft, she asked Tom where the nearest Starbucks was and he laughed. His cackling only annoyed her more and then he dropped the news on her.

“They don’t have Starbucks.”

Livi’s eyes widened the very thought of being without her beloved coffee was not a pleasant one. “You’re really kidding aren’t you?”

“Nope. Trust me I’ve been there I know how you feel.”

“Well do they have a McDonald’s then?” Tom shook his head. “You’ve taken me to hell.”

“You’ll live I promise.”

The two of them headed off to get their belongings standing at the luggage claim in complete silence. Both of them were still trying to figure out what they were feeling towards each other. It seemed to go from loathing to almost liking to possibly a romantic relationship. Everything had happened so quickly and neither had been given the time to really process it. Livi stood their biting at the dry skin on her bottom lip glancing up at Tom on occasion. His eyes were fixated on the artwork that covered the walls giving the airport a nice pop of color. She started to take in his appearance and realized he was actually insanely handsome. What she thought was goofy and gangly before had shifted to irresistibly attractive. She gasped when he turned his head and looked at her catching her off guard.

“You’re bleeding.”

She sucked on her lower lip having no idea what it was doing to Tom on the inside. “I figured as much. I’m bad about that. Do you have a tissue?”

He began to feel the pockets on his shirt looking for a Kleenex to give to her and then tried the ones on his trousers to no avail.

“Stop sucking on it.” She did as requested and was startled when she felt his thumb press into her lip.

Again there was a silence. Livi shifted her eyes trying to avoid Tom’s gaze. He never took his eyes away from her. It made her a bit uncomfortable and she tried to get out of the situation.

“Um…you know our luggage has gone by at least twice since we’ve been standing here.”

That was enough to distract Tom and as he backed away she released the breath she had been holding. He gathered their things and the two began to head out.

“What about Clyde?” Livi inquired wondering if Tom had lied to her about bringing him just to get her alone.

“I had a friend pick him up and bring him to the house. No use in bringing him along I don’t think he would have much fun where we’re going.”

Blue Lagoon is located in a lava field. Livi was terrified when she heard this all she could imagine was a bright pool of orange liquid filled with people burning alive. It wasn’t exactly what she had in mind when she decided to take this trip, but as they pulled up to the facility her thoughts on the matter changed. It was breathtaking. The water was a wondrous shade of turquoise and she could see the mist rolling over the top of it.

Tom could see the sparkle in her eyes. “Not quite what you were expecting?”

“Not at all. When you said the word lava…”

“You thought of people cooking to death.” She gave him an awkward smile feeling a little silly. “I pictured the same thing when Chris told me we were coming here. I imagined he was sending me to my death.”

He always had a way of making her feel not so awkward. Maybe it was because he was just genuinely a nice person or maybe he just pitied her. Either way she was beginning to enjoy the way he made her feel. They stepped into the exclusive lounge Tom had booked anxious to get a bit of privacy after all the Tumblr talk. After a quick shower (separately of course) the two slipped into their bathing suits with Livi taking longer than him. He walked out onto the secluded deck peering over at their own personal lagoon away from prying eyes. Tom stepped into the hot water immediately feeling a sense of calm. He sat there taking in the location. The sound of a door opening grabbed his attention. There she was standing there in a black string bikini every dip and curve visible. She was stunning. He shifted where he sat watching her short thick legs dip into the water as she took a seat across from him and again…silence.

Just as things were getting unbearable, a member of the staff approached them handing them off the alcoholic beverages they had requested upon their arrival. This was just what Tom needed to relax himself. He took a sip feeling the cold liquid run down his throat his eyes beginning to close only to flutter open moments later.

“My parents didn’t want me to go to Spain.” Here it was the Spain story the one thing he had been anxious to hear about.

“They warned me, but I didn’t listen. I have always been a bit stubborn.” She looked down staring at the bottom of her now empty glass. “It was also my first real relationship we had been together for 6 months and I thought for sure he was the one. He was the one I was going to lose my virginity to the one who was going to be my first. I was naïve and stupid. When we got there we immediately got a place together, but things weren’t as I envisioned them. Almost as soon as we arrived, I could sense that something wasn’t right. He was going out every night, we had been there for two weeks, and he hadn’t so much as even attempted to have sex with me. That’s because he was fucking every other girl, but me and had been since we started dating. I was heartbroken. I had invested everything into this person and all of it was a lie. To him _I love you_ meant nothing they were just words. I left the moment I found out and when I got home, my parents laughed at me. They made me feel like such a failure like no one was ever going to love me. That’s when I knew I had to get out of there. Once I finished my degree I was out of the house. I haven’t looked back since.”

Tom just sat there soaking in everything she had said. Part of it made sense to him now. She had been hurt in the worst way and it was no wonder she seemed to push people away. She was afraid of the past repeating itself, however, it didn’t explain everything. It still didn’t give him any insight into why she let that hold her back. Most people would get over it and try again, but why had she held onto it for so long. Something else was preventing her from going all the way. They would get into that later for now he didn’t want to push her too much for he could tell by her face that it was hard to talk about. She needed sometime to recuperate and he was more than willing to give that to her.

“I’m sorry that happened to you. No one deserves to be treated like that especially not you.”

“When was your first time?”

“What?”

“When was the first time you had sex?”

“Oh um…I was 14 I don’t even really remember much about it. To be quite honest I don’t even recall what her name was.”

“That bad huh?”

“Well I’m not trying to put you off, but usually your first time is just kind of uneventful. Unless you do it with someone you really like, but to be honest I just wanted to get it out of the way. Boys tend to become obsessed with that stuff the moment they hit puberty and I wasn’t any different.” Having answered all her questions, he now had a few of his own. “So besides never having sex what how far have you actually gone with a guy?”

“Kissing is pretty much it.”

“So you’ve never even sucked a dick before?”

She shrugged. “I’ve seen a penis, but no I have never had one in my mouth.”

“What about masturbating? How often do you do that?”

“I don’t.”

He spit out a bit of his drink back into the glass what he heard truly stunned him. “What do you mean you don’t?”

“I don’t masturbate.”

Now the other part of why she was this way was about to come out. “How do you not masturbate? Masturbation is like one of the biggest stress relievers out there. No wonder you’re so uptight all the time.”

“I mean I was brought up to think that all those things are bad. It was a surprise I even thought about having sex with my ex. Partially it was because I felt left out and everyone else was doing it, but I don’t know I mean…”

“You have never fondled yourself.”

“Are you still stuck on that?”

“You’re just so rare I feel like you should be considered the 8th wonder of the world.”

“Shut up.”

“So just explain it to me.”

“I was raised catholic in a really strict household. Like I told you those things were bad.”

“But your parents had sex I mean you wouldn’t be here without it. I’m sure they both have masturbated.”

“Wow thanks for the visual.”

“I just feel like that’s not an excuse.”

“It’s not, but you have to understand when I say strict Catholic my mother was actually in the process of becoming a nun when she met my father. The sex talk that I got was the hose waters the garden and it’s bad and don’t ever do it. Boys are off limits boys are bad news.”

“Well they were right about that last part.” He sat up straight. “I feel like I should be the parent and give you a proper sex talk.”

She stopped him. “No need Benedict has already taken care of that.”

He frowned a bit disappointed that she and Ben had even discussed sex. “So aside from no masturbation which I will never get over have you ever been turned on?”

“Of course I have. Don’t tell anybody this, but I on occasion watch porn.”

He watched as her cheeks turned red with embarrassment. “Nothing wrong with that I watch it myself. How do you know you’ve been turned on? I mean if you’ve never done anything how do you know.”

“It’s sort of a hard aching like it’s a pulsating ache and it needs some sort of release. It just keeps building up and please stop staring at me.”

Tom by now was gawking at her. “And you’ve never wanted to fix that?”

“No! God just I can’t believe I am telling you this.”

“It’s ok if anyone understands sex it’s me. I’m pretty much a master at it.”

“I’m sure you are.” Her gazed shifted downwards towards his crotch. “Can I see it?”

His eyes widened. “What?”

“Can I see your penis?”

For once in his life he was truly at a loss for words. He never expected her to ask him that and as much as he wanted to just whip it out for her he knew, he had to inform her of the downfalls of having a penis.

“Well as much as I would enjoy doing that for you right now there’s this thing called shrinkage which I am experiencing currently so we should start heading back to the house.”

That night the two of them laid in bed talking about things other than sex. Clyde laid between them snoring loudly making it hard for them to hear each other. They talked about their childhood Tom’s seemed mostly happy except for his parents’ divorce. Livi couldn’t complain too much about her parents after all they provided her with everything she needed in life. The only downside was their falling out when she decided to follow her own path. As the conversation died down Tom had all but forgotten about her request hours earlier, but she was quick to remind him.

“Can I see it now?”

“See what?”

“Your penis.”

“God stop using that word you sound like a teenager who is just discovering the male reproductive organs.”

“Fine. Show me your dick.”

He drew in a deep breath running his fingers under the band of his boxers. Slowly he pulled them down exposing his naked member to her. Looking over at her he couldn’t quite read her face.

“Say something.”

“I…I have never seen an uncircumcised penis before.”

The moment those words left her mouth he quickly put it away. “I will have you know it all works the same way.”

“I understand that I just…it looks like your penis is wearing a turtle neck. My ex was clipped it’s just what I’m used to seeing.”

“Alright lights out I’m tired.” He leaned over and turned off the lamp on the nightstand anxious to end the night.

“I’m sorry if I…”

“Just go to sleep.”

There was nothing more she could say. She laid down on her pillow turning her back towards him not knowing what was really going on in his head. She thought he was upset possibly because she had deflated his ego just a bit. No man wanted to have his penis criticized. She closed her eyes sinking into the mattress and falling asleep. Meanwhile Tom was wide-awake thinking about if getting cut was really that painful. He was older now it couldn’t be that bad and men did it all the time. He wanted her to be attracted to him and if getting circumcised would get her to want to jump his dick then it was definitely worth considering. This was no longer about the bet in fact he had completely forgotten about it. In that moment, he just wanted her to want him, wanted her to love him.


	7. The Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom has an appointment with the doctor that sickens his stomach. Upon hearing that Tom isn't feeling well Livi decides to visit him and gets more than she bargained for.

The doctor’s office was pristine. It had a place for everything and everything in its place. Tom wasn’t quite used to this much organization after all his office was the opposite of neat in fact it was a disaster. There were papers and books everywhere, nothing was where it should be, and Tom preferred it that way. He always said, “It may be a mess but I know where everything is and that’s all I need.” Shifting in his chair, he glanced at the degrees on the wall that eased a bit of his anxiety. Clearly, the man knew what he was doing and had done this procedure numerous times. The sound of a creaking door echoed off the walls and in walked the one person who could potentially “alter” Tom forever.

The doctor approached him his hand extended towards him. “Hello Tom I’m Doctor Miller.” He said as the two men shook hands. “How are you doing today?”

“I’m ok.” He lied watching Dr. Miller slip into the chair behind his desk.

“I hear you’re considering a circumcision. Is there a particular reason? Aside from it being purely cosmetic?”

“Um…well no I just feel it may be more aesthetically pleasing.”

Truth was Tom couldn’t believe he was even hear. To consider something so drastic for a girl said a lot about how he felt about her. Before he could slip deep into his thoughts Dr. Miller began explaining the procedure.

“So for starters we will give you general anesthesia as it can be quite a painful process being you’re an adult. We will do what is called a sleeve resection. We will pull the foreskin back and then make a cut…” The word cut sent shivers down Tom’s spine. Suddenly the words coming out of the doctor’s mouth were too much to handle and then he said something that cemented Tom’s decision. “There is a chance of bleeding and then we will stitch you up.”

Tom crossed his legs that had been splayed open. “Stitches? On my dick?”

“We prefer to call it a penis, but yes there will be stitches that should dissolve on their own.”

“And how long will it be before I can have sex?”

“Well we recommend you abstain from any sex and masturbation for at least 6 weeks.”

In that moment, Tom stood up and walked out. Six weeks without sex or masturbation was ludicrous. Hearing all the talk of cutting, blood, and stitches made his stomach feel uneasy. He cancelled his lunch date with Benedict, which only raised his suspicions. Tom never turned down food. Never.

He arrived home rubbing his stomach hoping a day relaxing would relieve him of the nausea he was feeling. He flopped down on the bed not even bothering to undress himself. Closing his eyes he took in a deep breath his anxiety slowly dissipating. Just as he began to fall asleep there was a knock at his front door. He groaned loudly the idea of having to get up irritated him.

“Go away!” he yelled not wanting to deal with people. The knock came again. “I said go away!”

The knocking stopped and Tom tried again to fall asleep. He didn’t hear the door open nor did he hear the footsteps that were growing louder as the person who knocked made their way up the stairs. The door handle squeaked and he shot up in bed his heart pounding furiously. Someone had broken into his home.

“I…I have a cricket bat and I’m not afraid to use it!”

“Use it I don’t care.” Livi replied stepping into view.

Tom threw his hand over his chest his heart rhythm slowing with each breath he took. “How did you get in here?”

“I picked the lock.”

“That’s breaking…”

“…and entering. Should I remind you how many times you broke into my home?”

“Touché.”

“I heard you weren’t feeling well so I just dropped by to check on you. I hope you didn’t pick up something on our trip.”

“I’m fine just some stomach issues.” He laid back down staring at the ceiling.

She had no idea what her simply being there did to him. It took every bit of strength he had not to just screw her brains out at that moment. She began to ramble on about what he didn’t know for he wasn’t paying attention. He began to count sheep hoping to distract himself from his feelings her voice now irritating him for some strange reason.

“Shut up.” He mumbled folding his arms over his chest his eyes still shut.

“What?”

“I said shut up.”

“If you had been listening to me you wouldn’t have said such a thing.”

“I’m not feeling well all I heard was blah, blah, blah.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t know asking if you to come over and watch me masturbate for the first time was so boring.”

“What?”

She tucked her hair behind her ears. “I don’t know I wanted you to be there for some insane reason. I’m just so awkward about it and you have a tendency to make me feel less clumsy. It was stupid I’m sorry. You don’t…” Before she could finish her sentence, she felt Tom’s grip on her arm.

“If you feel that self-conscious about it maybe I could help a bit.”

He gazed at her with extreme intent the thought that he may finally take her virginity aroused him. How could it not? You always wanted to be “the first” to show them just how experienced you were to give the best “first time” they’ve ever had with the notion that every man they would fuck after you would be subpar in comparison. He pulled her close to him his hands running up her dress.

“The last time I did this you slapped me in the face.”

She smiled. “Well last time you deserved it.”

His hands moved up further tugging at her underwear sliding them off with ease. They fell around her ankles and she stepped out of them. By now she was trembling her thighs clamping down on his hand still feeling a little apprehension.

“I won’t hurt you.” He whispered finding her warm center running his hand against it.

She let out a soft moan biting her bottom lip as his movements became quicker. She pressed her hands against his shoulders the pleasure she was feeling intensifying with every stroke. It ached the same way it always did except this time she was finally going to get the release she had never had. Before he could react she leaned in and shoved her tongue into his mouth. Moving his hand he helped her straddle his lap feeling her warm body rub against his trousers. She pulled away staring down at his now obvious erection.

“It’s supposed to do that right?”

“Yes!” He growled leaning in to kiss her again.

As soon as his lips brushed against hers eager to taste her sweet tongue again they heard the slamming of his front door. Quickly she jumped off pulling her dress down cursing under her breath for not locking the door behind her.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Tom? You home?” Benedict shouted.

“Unfortunately!” He shouted back with irritation in his voice.

Benedict made his way upstairs walking into the bedroom surprised to see Livi standing there. Tom glanced down at her underwear that were in a heap on the floor. He quickly took his foot pushing them under the bed hoping they wouldn’t be seen.

“Olivia. What are you doing here?”

“Well you told me Tom was sick so I just came to see if he was ok. Goodbye.” She then rushed passed him and left.

“How was Iceland?” Benedict asked knowing he had gone with Livi.

“It was fine.”

There was a spark in Benedict’s eyes as he leaned against the doorframe glancing at his friend who had his legs crossed.

“Are you trying to hide your boner from me?”

“No. What do you want anyways?”

“Oh so Livi can come and check up on you, but I can’t?” He stared down at the floor his eyes landing on the clothing Tom had tried to hide. “Whose panties are those?”

Tom rolled his lips. “I have no idea. You know how it is sometimes I have so many girls I can’t keep track.”

“They’re hers you don’t have to lie to me.” His lips curled into a devilish smile. “So how was it?”

“How was what?”

“The sex. How was she?”

Tom shrugged. “I wouldn’t know we didn’t have sex.”

“Do I need to up it from 5 grand?”

“Come off it! There is no bet I told you before I don’t want anything to do with that anymore. It was dumb from the start I don’t even know why I said yes because it’s an arsehole thing to do to someone.”

Benedict was shocked. He had heard Tom mention his concerns before, but he always thought he was just chickening out. Tom was adamant and Benedict being his friend took his words to heart.

“Alright we can call it off. I can tell you like her and you’re right it was horrible of me.”

“Promise me you won’t ever mention it to her.”

Benedict smiled not knowing that one day he would do something that would put them all through unimaginable pain. “I promise.”


	8. We're All Mad Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom discovers that Livi's anguish goes far deeper than he ever imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There is a cutting incident so be warned.

Tom felt the raindrops trickle down his forehead, over his cheeks before pooling on his chin. He had been standing in front of Livi’s front door for over an hour debating whether to knock. After the incident at his home they didn’t get to see too much of each other. Tom was constantly working and Livi’s career took her out of town quite a bit. They kept in touch through text and phone calls, but suddenly Tom found it wasn’t enough. He had called earlier to tell her that he was in town on a short break, but was upset when she told him she was simply too busy to see him. Usually Tom would respect the fact that she was working, however tonight he wondered if maybe now she was just trying to avoid him. He had to know what was going on and that’s how he found himself standing in the rain.

Drawing in a deep breath, he balled up his fist and lifted his arm waiting to feel the hard wood against his knuckles. As he reached out he was startled when the door opened and there she stood in only a white v-neck t-shirt.

“How long have you been standing out here?”

Tom wiped the water off his glasses. “Not long.”

She raised her eyebrow. “You’re drenched. For a second I thought there was a stalker at my door.”

She let him in and as he walked into her living room, a rather peculiar sight greeted him. There on the floor was a laptop surrounded by hundreds of photographs scattered about. She wasn’t lying when she said she was working, but for some strange reason he always thought she would be far more organized than he was.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” She asked sitting Indian style in front of her computer.

“I was just thinking about what happened at my home a while back and I mean you did invite me over…”

“Oh that.” She mumbled burying herself in her work once again. “I’m far too consumed to deal with that right now. Come sit.”

Tom did as he was instructed taking a seat across from her trying his best not to step on anything. He gazed at the photos around him in awe. They were exquisite. She had seen places he only dreamed of and that was saying a lot. Sure, he had been to many exotic places, but it was nothing compared to her.

“You went to Havana. I’ve always wanted to visit Cuba.”

“They actually have really good tea there. Not too much different from what we drink. The architecture is beautiful. Old Havana is so old yet it’s full of bright colors and charm. It’s nothing though compared to where I went in Chile. There in the northern deserts they have some of the largest research telescopes in the world. I was lucky enough to be invited to look through one and it’s absolutely breathtaking.”

It sounded wonderful and he wished he could have gone with her. He knew how much she enjoyed the stars and to see them in such vivid detail must have been a dream for her. He continued to sift through her work taking in the images of people and places he had only heard about. They talked about her travels and his work and as the conversation began to wind down Tom checked his watch.

“Wow we’ve been chatting for 3 hours.”

Livi groaned running her fingers through her hair. “God I’m not even half way done with this and it needs to be finished ASAP.”

Tom looked down at her legs now they were slightly spread apart. His heart began to beat hard in his chest as the realization that she wasn’t wearing any knickers set in.

“I um…guess I should go then.”

“You probably should.” She replied not taking her eyes away from the computer screen.

Tom licked his bottom still watching as she continued to shift her legs. He simply couldn’t help himself and the feeling of his erection constricted in his trousers aching for a release was too much for him to handle. Her mouth dropped open slightly and that’s when Tom lunged at her. He threw her laptop out of the way pushing her down forcefully and pinning her to the floor. Forcing himself between her legs he began to fumbled with his trousers finally getting them completely undone. He reached in and pulled out his throbbing cock and then it finally happened. It only lasted a matter of seconds and then they both found themselves laying on their backs staring up at the ceiling sweat dripping from their brows. Olivia Merchant was no longer a 30-year-old virgin thanks to Tom.

Everything happened so quickly Livi was still trying to process it all. Had it really happened? Was she dreaming? The small amount of pain she was feeling assured her that she had indeed lost her virginity. He didn’t say anything and that made her extremely nervous. She reached over and ran her hand against his arm trying to get him to speak.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”

He drew in a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“I…I know you had this idea of how your first time as supposed to go this dream of being in a bed and making love to each other. Not the quick 5-second version I just gave you.”

She smiled. “I also dreamed of doing it with someone I really cared about.”

Tom turned his head and looked over at her. “You’re saying you care about me?”

“Of course I do you idiot.” She wiggled around feeling the cold floor beneath her. “Is it supposed to hurt?”

He sighed heavily. “Well not exactly. Had I done things differently you…it doesn’t even matter now.”

“You’re going to stay over right?”

“Of course I am.”

“And you’re not going to be gone when I wake up are you?”

He opened his eyes and turned to look at her a smile perched on his face. “I promise I will be there when you wake up.”

* * *

 

Livi stretched out her limbs the bed sheets rubbing against her naked back. She reached out wanting to feel Tom’s warm naked body and instead was met by an empty space. Immediately she threw her eyes open and the moment she realized he was gone anxiety began to set in. She jumped out of the bed threw the sheets off her and grabbed the robe she had hanging on the bedpost. A million thoughts began racing through her mind mostly negative ones about herself. _She had done something wrong. She had made him leave. She must not have been good enough._ She searched the entire house hoping he had wandered off. He hadn’t. She was heartbroken. The first man she had trusted completely since the incident in Spain had abandoned her. Her biggest fear had become a reality.

While Tom had been absent when she woke, she was unaware that he had stepped out and intended to return to her. He had gone to purchase breakfast that morning for he was too lazy to make it himself. He thought about waking her, but she looked so peaceful he decided to let her sleep a decision he didn’t know would bring out old demons. Tom thanked the cashier finding himself unable to wait until he got back to her home. He reached in and pulled out an apple muffin wedging it between his teeth as he closed the bag. He took his first bite and immediately felt a tap on his shoulder. Tom turned to see the one person he had wanted to avoid.

“Looks like you and I had the same idea.” Benedict chuckled. “You look a bit disheveled.”

“I just woke up.”

“Clearly.” Benedict ripped the bag from him before Tom could protest anxious to see what his friend had purchased. “Holy shit there’s enough to feed a horse in here!”

“I’m just really hungry!” Tom yelled wanting to end their conversation so he could get back to Livi. “Why do you care anyways?”

“I’m just stating a fact no need to get snippy with me.” Tom rolled his eyes, yanked the bag back and began his walk to Livi’s. “Isn’t your house in the other direction?”

“I’m taking the long way!”

He was cursing under his breath when he arrived at her front door still annoyed from his run in with Ben. Why was it that he was always around at the most inconvenient times? Sure, it could have something to do with the fact that they all lived in close proximity, but Benedict was ALWAYS around. He fidgeted with the doorknob cracking the door open pushing it with his foot to allow him entry. He stepped inside and closed it with a hard kick.

“Livi? I brought food.” He didn’t get a reply not that he was paying attention. “I would have cooked myself…” He mumbled with food in his mouth finishing off his muffin making his way towards the kitchen. “…except I’m lazy as all hell.”

Tom rounded the archway and as he did, his heart stopped. His grip on the bag loosened allowing it to fall from his hands. There was Livi sitting on the floor with a knife in her hand and a cut in her thigh.

“What did you do?” He asked panic beginning to set in. “Livi? WHAT DID YOU DO?”

He yanked the knife out of her hand slamming it down on the ground not sure, how to feel about the situation he now found himself in. He examined her injury it wasn’t deep enough to require stitches. Livi told him where she kept the first aid kit and he immediately flew into action bandaging her up making sure she was all right.

“I didn’t mean to.” Livi sniffled wiping the tears off her cheeks.

“I don’t know Olivia it looked pretty deliberate to me.”

“Don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not…” He released a deep breath. “…I just I’m not sure what to think right now.”

Tom and Livi had barely spoke of her bipolar disorder it wasn’t something he really wanted to discuss. Mental illnesses always made him uneasy probably because he really didn’t understand them. He had always been such a happy person the thought of being in such a dark place always baffled him. The idea of being so tormented by your own mind was unimaginable. When she was like this, she wasn’t the Livi he knew. This was the Livi who was broken beyond belief the Livi who felt so unloved and unwanted.

“Why did you do it?”

“I thought you left.” She muttered running her tongue across her lips tasting the salt of her tears. “I haven’t cut in years.”

He began to toy with the idea that maybe all of this was a mistake. If he brought out this side of her perhaps, she was better off without him. The problem was he had to be with her. She brought out the best in him no matter what the circumstances. She made him feel alive. She was so imperfect and that is what made her perfect. He grabbed her hand giving it a tight squeeze of assurance that he wasn’t going to leave her again.

“You should see someone a therapist or a psychiatrist who can get you on the right medication.”

She gagged pulling her hand away. “You think I haven’t already? Do you want to know what I’ve gone through? My parents sent me to counseling with my priest who told me everything I was feeling was the work of the devil. He told me I needed to repent and that being depressed and manic was a sure sign I was going to hell. They sent me there knowing he would scare the absolute shit out of me and he did. It only made things worse; I didn’t know how to handle the dread of eternal damnation the pain at the idea that I would be condemned to hell and I would never see my family again. Not only now was I dealing with extreme lows and the effects of hypomania I was trying to figure out how to release the anguish I was feeling. The only way I knew how to get rid of the pain was to manifest it physically and that’s when I started cutting.”

“Your parents are idiots you don’t…”

She pulled up the sleeve of the robe exposing the scars she had left. “This is what therapy has done for me. I stopped on my own and it was hard, but I did it.”

Tom ran his fingers over her arm his heart aching for her. “It doesn’t have to be the way it was. There are many good doctors out there. I don’t want anything to happen to you I would be completely devastated. You need help and I will make sure you get it. None of this Christian counseling bullshit someone who really knows what they’re doing someone who can get you where you need to be.”

“Why are you so nice to me? I don’t deserve any of it. Look at me. I’m a complete mess.”

“It’s like the cat said in Through the Looking Glass...” He smiled at her. Even though her eyes were red and puffy, she still made his heart skip a beat. “…we’re all mad here.”


	9. Dr. Geoffrey and Rita Merchant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom finally meets Livi's miserable parents.

Tom sat at his dining room table eating a bowl of porridge waiting for Livi to wake. Since that night in her home, the two of them were practically living together. Her cameras had invaded his table, he had to throw out half his wardrobe to accommodate hers, and he suddenly found his bathroom cabinets filled with tampons. Yes, a woman had definitely moved into his home and he couldn’t be happier about it. Tom had been single for quite some time. The more in demand he became the harder it was to hold down a steady relationship. As his star began to rise it was difficult to figure out who was genuine and who wanted to sleep with him because of who he was. Livi made him want to settle down and given her past, he knew she wasn’t in it just because he was Tom Hiddleston. She was looking for something real, she had found it with him, and he had found it with her.

Tom glanced over watching as Livi descended the stairway wearing one of his old t-shirts. She always looked so beautiful in the morning and could pull off the “I woke up like this” look far better than he did. Livi kissed his cheek and headed into the kitchen joining him at the dining room table only she barely had room to put her bowl down.

“Ugh I really need to move this stuff.” She groaned pushing her equipment aside.

“No it’s fine where it is.” He assured her. “I actually want to talk to you about something.”

She looked up at him and he could see the fear in her eyes. She thought he was going to break it off with her, tell her to pack her shit and go, but it was quite the opposite.

“It’s nothing bad I promise.” He smiled. “I just was thinking it’s kind of ridiculous for you to keep going back and forth. Besides you practically live here so I feel like you should just move in.” He expected to watch the fear drain from her eyes for her to relax her shoulders and just agree to what he suggested and instead her demeanor remained the same.

“Move in with you?” Olivia asked her voice shaking. “Why would I want to do that? I mean everything is just fine the way it is.”

Tom raised his eyebrows for he wasn’t expecting such a response. “I just thought maybe things would be easier for you.”

“I just live on the next block.”

“Ok then don’t move in it’s fine.”

“Is it?”

He sighed. “Yes it is.”

“Tom…” She took a deep breath calming herself down. “…it’s not that I don’t want to move in with you I do.”

“Then why all the commotion?”

“Because if I say yes I want you to meet my parents.”

From what Tom had been told about her parents they were two of the biggest arseholes in all of England. The very idea of having to shake hands with such despicable people made his skin crawl.

“I don’t need to meet them. You’re a grown woman if you want to move in with me you can and quite honestly I can’t even imagine why you would want their approval about this.”

She smirked. “It’s not about wanting their approval. It’s about rubbing it in their faces. Sure, it will be the most unpleasant experience of your life, but wouldn’t it be fun to just prove to them that they were wrong about me. That just because I have a mental illness it doesn’t mean I’m broken and that I am deserving of love and that even though I didn’t follow in my father’s footsteps that I still made something of myself.”

Tom could see exactly where she was coming from. Even though they had tried their best to break, her spirit Tom had lifted her up had given her to confidence to face them. He reached over and grabbed her hand giving it a tight squeeze.

“Let’s do it.”

The drive to Newquay was a long exhausting one. It took them nearly 5 hours before they arrived stopping off at the beach for a quick break before heading to the house of Dr. Geoffrey Merchant and his wife Rita. They stopped in front of the home that sat on the cliff side overlooking the beach expecting some sort of welcome, but there wasn’t one. Surely most parents with a 30 year old single daughter would be thrilled at the prospect that she could have met a potential spouse, but they weren’t most parents. Tom stepped out while Livi slowly made her way towards the front door giving a soft knock. As he gathered their belongings, he could hear voices in the distance. He slammed the trunk closed and made his way over to where Livi and her parents were standing.

“Hello.”

Geoffrey Merchant was a portly fellow with thick slanted eyebrows that gave him the appearance of being angry all the time. His voice was deep and scratchy and he sported a thin mustache above his upper lip. Her mother was actually a bit softer in appearance sporting the same mousy brown hair as her daughter except her eyes were blue with brown specks. Surely, she couldn’t be that horrible.

“You must be joking.” Rita chuckled taking in Tom’s appearance. “Do you know who this is Olivia?”

Well this was off to a great start. “Yes mum I know who this is.” Olivia replied sternly.

“And you really think someone like him could ever…”

“Excuse me…” Tom interrupted. “…can you show us to our room these bags are rather heavy.”

He had managed to diffuse the situation for now, but things were only going to get worse as the weekend dragged on. Mrs. Merchant gave Tom a soft nod turning her back to him and leading him up the stairs. They stopped in front of a bedroom with one single bed.

“This is where you will be staying.”

“Pardon?”

“Surely you don’t expect you and Olivia to share a room. After all, she’s still a virgin. She says she’s waiting for “the one.”” Her mother laughed. “If you just give me her bag I’ll bring it to her room for you.”

This was completely absurd and it was obvious her parents were not only disrespectful, but also delusional. He wanted to tell her what he really thought about the situation, but not wanting to put Olivia through any more torment, he agreed to stay in a separate bed.

That night at dinner, things actually went fairly well and her parents kept their rudeness to a minimum. As the conversation, ended Tom was anxious to get back to his room for he was exhausted. As he stood up and grabbed his plate, reaching over to take Livi’s her dad spoke up.

“She can pick up her own plate.”

Tom was appalled. He took her plate and slammed it on top of his wanting her father to know just how angry he was at that moment.

Geoffrey rolled his eyes at the young man’s defiance. “When you’re finished with that meet me on the back porch I want to talk to you.”

Tom made sure to work as slowly as possible cleaning the dishes the idea of being alone with her father only riled him up more. He dried the last dish placing it neatly in the dishwasher before heading outside. There was her father a cigarette pursed between his thin lips.

“You wanted to talk to me?”

“Yes please have a seat.”

“I’ll stand thank you.” Tom insisted wanting to get this over with.

“Suit yourself. I just have one question for you. What the hell are you doing?”

“I don’t understand.”

Her dad threw his cigarette butt to the ground smothering it with the heel of his shoe. “I’ve seen what kind of girls you go for. They’re thin, good looking, have money. My daughter is none of those things.”

Tom couldn’t believe his ears. “I haven’t had a real relationship in years.”

“So you jump from woman to woman?”

“I did yes for some time I’m not going to lie to you.”

“Then I will ask you again…what the hell are you doing?”

Tom ran his tongue across his bottom lip. “You may not think much of your daughter, but I happen to think Livi is beautiful the way she is. She’s extremely talented…”

“If you call taking pictures a talent.”

“Have you ever done it? There’s a lot more that goes into it besides just looking through a lens and snapping…”

“I don’t care.” He stood up and walked over to Tom his face mere inches from his. “Leave my daughter alone. Go back to fucking your models. Trust me you don’t want Olivia she’s not worth it.”

Tom balled his hands into a fist the feeling of Geoffrey’s hot breath on his face making it extremely hard to keep his cool. He wanted nothing more than to just pummel him.

“Olivia is worth it. One day you will realize that and by then it will be too late.”

The corners of Geoffrey’s mouth turned up into a disgusting grin. “I doubt that.”

The next morning Tom and Livi were surprised to find themselves home alone and they took advantage of it. He told her exactly what had happened last night on the porch and it killed him to see her so heartbroken. It didn’t last long for her parents arrived home moments later and then her heartbreak turned into rage. She raced down the stairs with Tom right behind her their bags in his hands.

“I thought you were staying til Sunday.” Her mother said softly.

“Oh shut up!” Livi shouted practically pushing her out of the way so she could get to her father. “Did you really say all of that to Tom last night?” She asked her face turning bright red.

“Of course I did.”

“You’re an arsehole. You know for a long time I actually cared about what you thought of me, but now I could care less. Do you really want to know why I didn’t become a doctor? Because I didn’t want to turn into a miserable, old fat son of a bitch like you. You’re a mean uncaring piece of shit. To be honest I can’t even believe you found someone to actually love you because if anyone is undeserving of love it’s you.”

Tom had never been more proud of her. He was smiling so hard his face hurt. She had finally said at least part of what she had always wanted to say. Had she really unleashed on him they would have been there for hour’s maybe even days.

Geoffrey followed after her screaming obscenities for he always had to have the last word. She wouldn’t allow him to that day. She ignored him as long as she could and just as she was about to get into the car she whipped around taking him completely by surprise.

“By the way Tom and I are moving in together.” She turned around for a second only to turn back having one final thing to say. “And we fucked in your bed while you were out this morning. Have a nice life.”


	10. You Little Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom finally shows off Livi to the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late my work schedule has been insane. I'm sure there are plenty of typos that I will fix as I proof read it. Only two more chapters until something big happens!

After that weekend, if you want to call it that, with her parents Tom and Livi settled back into their life together. Everything was going well things were moving forward at a steady pace and just when it seemed like it couldn’t get much better something in Livi began to change. She seemed distant and it took extreme effort to get her to say a few words. Tom worried perhaps this was one of the many downsides of struggling with bipolar disorder. It was still so new to him. He had done his research gaining a better understanding of what she was dealing with, but it still baffled him. I guess it’s one of those things that if you don’t experience it yourself it’s difficult to comprehend.

That morning he found himself waking up to an empty space beside him. He figured she had just gone out for a walk to clear her mind and unfortunately, he didn’t have time to wonder where she had run off to. He had what Luke called “A chance of a lifetime!” meeting that morning and he was already running behind. Quickly he showered, got dressed, and headed out the door. He checked his phone on occasion as he made his way to Luke’s office hoping that Livi would at least text him, but his phone remained silent.

“Look who showed up!” Luke said shaking his head and looking at his watch. “I told you to be here 20 minutes ago.”

Tom ran his hand over his forehead taking a seat in front of Luke’s desk. “I’m sorry. It’s been kind of a rough morning.”

“Ok well I don’t care. I have some amazing news for you! Olivia Merchant’s people called and you have just booked yourself a 5-page spread in one of the top selling magazines in the world! We’re talking your face will be everywhere! You’re do at her studio in one hour and then you have an interview with the magazine editor.”

When Tom heard the word interview, he began to feel anxious. “Um…this interview is strictly film related they’re not going to ask me about my personal life are they?”

“Of course they are.” Luke replied. “Not like you have anything going on anyways.” Or so he thought.

There was no arguing with Luke and Tom had no choice, but to comply. The only thing that eased his mind was that he knew where Livi was and that she was safe. The drive to her studio was a quiet one the two men not really having much to say. Luke was far too excited at the prospect of Tom getting some publicity and Tom was still mulling over the interview he was to have later on.

As they entered the studio, Tom could feel himself becoming more and more uncomfortable. This was the last place he expected to be that day and Luke wasn’t helping him feel any better.

“I don’t know what you did to get back into her good graces...” _I fucked her._ “…but keep doing it.”

It was the most awkward feeling in the world to be standing next to one of his best friends who had no idea that he and Livi were even in a relationship. Tom promptly excused himself wanting to get out of the situation as swiftly as possible. The only person he really cared about seeing was the woman who was sitting by herself fiddling around with her camera equipment.

“Are you ok?”

She didn’t take her eyes away from what she was doing. “I’m fine.”

“Doesn’t seem like it. You’ve been acting so odd lately.”

“I said I’m fine.”

“Livi…”

“What?”

If she was trying to convince him that she was alright she wasn’t doing a very good job. “Did I do something?”

She sighed. “No. It’s just my own insecurities that’s all.”

“What insecurities?” He reached over to grab her hand only to have her pull it away. “Don’t be like that.”

She whipped around catching him off guard. “Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?”

Tom knew this subject would eventually come up after all he had been trying to keep prying eyes away from them. “N…no why would you ask me that?”

“Because you never take me anywhere we might be seen together. I haven’t been to a single event with you and I’m starting to think you’re trying to hide me.”

The truth was he was afraid Benedict would find out about their relationship. He wouldn’t have cared had it not been for the bet they made. He simply couldn’t tell her the truth without mentioning it to her and so he just avoided it all together. His heart sank and he became angry at himself for making her feel that way. He never wanted to hide her away and he knew he had to fix it.

“Come on.” He grabbed her hand hoisting her out of her seat.

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere more discreet so I can shag your brains out.”

She tugged at him a bit hesitant after all; she had never done such a thing. “I don’t know. What if someone walks in on us?”

Tom smiled at her with a twinkle in his eye. “Then let them walk in on us.”

Luke looked at his watch. People were beginning to get frustrated. They had no photographer and no client. They began to badger the publicist telling him that he needed to find Tom or else. He agreed and began his quest to find the actor that had pissed off so many people. He turned down a narrow hallway hearing noises coming from behind the door at the end of the hall.

“Tom? If that’s you I’m in no mood…” He threw open the door and was stunned by what he saw.

There was Livi bent over a table and Tom was giving it to her nice and hard.

“I’m so sorry!” He shouted making a quick exit the image of them together forever engrained in his mind.

He returned to set assuring the people there that it wouldn’t be much longer. 10 minutes later the two emerged and were ready to get to work. Tom headed off to wardrobe with Luke right at his heels.

“So that’s how you got on her good side. You fucked her.”

“Watch your mouth!” Tom said sternly.

“How long has this been going on?”

“For a while.”

“How come I’ve never heard about it?”

“I just…want to keep it to myself.”

“You’re embarrassed to be seen with her aren’t you?”

“Why does everyone keep saying that? I’m not embarrassed to be seen with her. In fact I need you to do me a favor.”

Luke was more than happy to oblige as long as Tom promised not to be late for his interview. The photoshoot ended and Livi approached her boyfriend still uneasy about the incident with Luke.

“I still can’t believe he saw us. Thought I have to admit it was kind of exciting.”

Tom shushed her, which she didn’t appreciate at first. “I need you to get back to the house as quickly as you can. A woman named Carol is going to drop by. Just go with her and do as she says.”

Livi raised her eyebrow. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Just do it. God you’re so stubborn sometimes.” He leaned over and kissed her hard. “I’ll see you later.”

Tom sat on the sofa that was propped against the wall in the editor’s office his leg moving rapidly. His nerves were still on edge and when the door opened it only got worse. In walked Marla Belanger a woman known for prying into celebrities lives. No one was exactly sure how she did it, but she had a way of getting people to talk.

“Hello Tom. Nervous are we?” She said with a smile referring to his shaking leg. “No need to be I promise I won’t bite.”

The questions were mild at the beginning and for a split second, Tom thought she had forgotten to ask the personal ones. She asked him about his career that was really taking off, asked him about his upcoming projects, and what it was like working with various directors. Things were going better than he imagined and then his worst fear became a reality.

“So do you have anyone special?”

He flinched. “Well…” He tried to be as discreet as possible. “…I am actually seeing someone. We’ve been together for a while and things are going well.”

“Are you in love?”

Geez this woman was bold. “I know I am I can’t exactly speak for her.” He laughed. That was exactly the answer he needed to give to get her to move on.

The rest of the interview went off without a hitch and as soon as she finished Tom was out the door. He wasn’t trying to be rude he just had somewhere he needed to be. Tonight there was a huge gala taking place at the infamous Dorchester Hotel and anyone who was anyone was going to be there, everyone except Benedict. He was a family man now and opted to stay home sipping tea. It was the perfect place to show up with Livi. Tom waited outside watching as people passed him by most of them actors he knew all too well. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he was quick to answer it.

“Livi where are you?”

“I’m sitting in the car debating whether or not to get out.”

“Get out.”

“Are you absolutely sure?”

“Olivia I said get out.”

Whenever he called her by her full name she knew he meant business. He glanced at the car that was been parked beside him watching as the door opened. She stepped out and he felt his breath leave him. She looked stunning.

“Wow.”

“Is that all you can say?” She asked hoping for a bit more.

“I’m still trying to catch my breath so yes all I can say is wow.”

Her hair was in an elegant up-do showing off her striking facial features and her dress was a floor length, navy colored, and hugged perfectly to the curves of her body. She wasn’t overly flashy, but she never was and it suited her. He had never seen her look more beautiful than she did then.

It didn’t take long for the pictures of them walking hand and hand to circulate on the net and as the night wore on he began to feel a sense of relief. It was finally out in the open there would be no more rumors. He was free to show her off and he cursed himself for not doing it sooner. After all Benedict had promised him he would never bring up the bet again what was he so worried about? As soon as that thought left his mind his phone rang. When he saw the name pop up on the screen he groaned. It was like Benedict knew Tom was thinking about him. He debated for only a second before deciding to answer.

“What?” He said a hint of agitation in his voice.

“You little shit. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m in a relationship. There I told you.”

“I was a bit surprised when Sophie told me Livi had moved, but now it all makes sense. She’s living with you isn’t she?”

“What difference does it make? Look I’m trying to enjoy my evening so if you don’t mind I’m hanging up now.”

“Fine fine hang up. Just know I better be best man at your wedding.”

“What?”

“You heard me! Now hang up and go enjoy yourself.”


	11. The First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the one year anniversary of when Tom and Livi met and he has a few surprises up his sleeve.

Today was a special day. Not only was it Benedict and Sophie’s wedding anniversary it also meant exactly one year ago Tom met Livi. He remembered the first time he saw her and how unimpressed he was. Never in a million years did he think they would be in a relationship and ready to take the next step. Not that Livi had any idea what Tom had planned that day or even remembered that they too were celebrating an anniversary. They had been through a lot from completely loathing each other, to taking the trip to Iceland, to consummating their relationship on her living room floor, to moving in together. She scheduled her work around his busy life allowing them to spend as much together as possible and that made him appreciate and love her even more. However, nothing prepared them for the pregnancy scare that had occurred two weeks prior. It cemented his decision even more and today was the day he would make it a reality.

Livi was sitting at the kitchen table in front of her laptop trying to get her most recent photos edited and out to the magazine for publication. She didn’t pay any attention to what was going on around her that was clear when Tom sat down.

“You didn’t even touch the breakfast I made for you.”

“Not hungry.” She mumbled.

He leaned his elbows on the table trying desperately to get her away from her work. “Do you know what today is?”

“Sunday.”

“It’s also Valentine’s Day.”

“Shit.” She finally glanced at him. “I totally forgot. Anything in particular you want?”

“Just you.”

“Besides that.”

“I want to take you out.”

She flinched. “Mmmmm I can’t I have to finish this tonight.”

“Come on it’s our anniversary.”

“It is?” She replied confused by his comment.

“Yes I met you exactly one year ago today.”

“How could I forget that day. I hated you.”

“Likewise.”

She laughed and reached over rubbing his forearms if not to assure him that she had remembered and was only playing dumb. How could she forget? Livi stood up and kissed his forehead grabbing the plate of food he had made for her and walking into the kitchen taking a bite of her bacon. Tom followed her wondering why she had chosen to eat away from the table.

“What are you doing?” She didn’t answer him. “Livi…”

She stood over the sink her head hung and he could see she was trying not to cry. Life had been really hard for her lately especially with everything that had gone on. Tom reached over and ran his hand over her back trying to comfort her the best way he knew how.

“It’s fine. Neither of us did anything wrong it happens sometimes.”

“I know that, but what if I can’t get pregnant? Would you really still want to be with me?”

“Of course I would.”

She rolled her eyes. “How many times have I told you, you’re a horrible liar?”

Tom took a deep breath hoping the truth wouldn’t hurt her. “Fine. To be honest it would be difficult to swallow. I think everyone wants to have his or her own children, but we don’t live in the stone age anymore we have plenty of options available to us. I love you with everything I have and I would do anything I had to…”

She placed her hands on his face squeezing his cheeks together silencing him. “You don’t need to say anymore I get it. Now where are you taking me for our anniversary?”

Livi knew nothing of their destination, but once they jumped on the ferry, she had an idea where they were headed. Tom was taking her back to the first place they met. It was extremely romantic and that side of him always impressed her. He always knew exactly what to do to melt her heart though she wasn’t going to let him know that. Mottistone Manor held a special place for the both of them. It was the place where they experienced loathing at first sight.

“I think this is the lawn where I tried to get into your knickers.”

“Is this supposed to be amorous?”

“Not particularly. Though I have a feeling if I tried to have sex with you this time you wouldn’t say no.”

“You are so cocky.”

He raised his eyebrow. “There’s plenty of foliage around no one would even know we were here.”

“You’re out of your mind.”

“We would just have to find a way to keep you quiet that’s all.”

Her jaw dropped. “Me? You’re the one who does all this loud grunting and moaning I can hardly even hear myself.”

“You scream for God so loud I’m surprised he hasn’t come down here and told you to shut up already.”

Tom knew exactly what he was doing. He could see it in her face that she was riled up and that meant she was going to attempt to prove him wrong. She hated it whenever he tried to one up her and she wasn’t going to sit there and take it.

He watched as she threw off her jacket and began to unbutton her blouse much to his delight.

“Fine we will just see who is the loudest.”

The angry sex was always the best it was their chance to vent all of their frustrations out on each other and it always left Tom with deep scratches on his back. The searing pain only drove him to go harder than usual and when it was all over he was bleeding and she had visible marks on her neck. However, it never went too far and they always knew when to stop. As the two of them collected themselves, they began to debate who was louder.

“I think I won.” Livi stated a smirk on her face. “You were definitely louder.”

“I was most certainly not. I can still hear my ears ringing from all your shrieking.”

“The moment you felt my nails dig into your skin you broke the sound barrier.”

They were too busy quarreling to notice the man that was approaching them.

“Oi! What are you two doing!?”

Tom stood their shirtless his pants undone. He looked at Livi who too was half-undressed.

“I’m calling the police!” The man shouted pulling his cell phone out of his pocket.

“Um…” Tom went completely on instinct. “…run.”

“What?”

“You heard me! Run!”

They quickly picked up the rest of their clothing racing away from the house towards the main road laughing as they made their escape. Once out of sight, they stopped to catch their breath. Livi took in just how much damage she had done to Tom’s back and immediately felt a slight hint of remorse.

“I didn’t realize I had hurt you so badly.” She ran her fingers over the open wounds and he hissed in pain. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I like it when you hurt me.” He smiled and kissed her cheek. They put on the remainder of their clothing sirens blaring in the distance. “Oh God we’re wanted people.”

“Well then we better get out of here.” She grabbed his hand dragging him towards their car watching as the police drove past. “By the way…you were louder.”

They returned to London settling into their house only for a minute or two. Tom mentioned they hadn’t had piperrada in quite some time. They made their way to the tube station taking the next available train. As they rode into the heart of the city Livi fell asleep on his chest and he gladly wrapped his arm around her. He heard the sound of a camera go off and knew that people were taking pictures of them. They always did and it only made him hold her tightly. Livi felt the train beginning to slow and woke up stretching out her arms.

“You should go around again.”

Tom tossed her a confused look. “Why would I do that?”

“You were an hour late the first time around. If you want to recreate our first real date you should do it the right way.”

“I will see you in an hour then.”

Tom road back to the house and ran a few small errands before heading back. He found her standing outside looking tremendously pissed off.

“What did I do now?”

“Nothing. You’re just late that’s all.”

They smiled at each other and headed inside. They both swore that the food was 10 times better than it had been the first time around. After they finished and left the restaurant, they made their way to the river their final destination. Tom’s arms were beginning to burn and he pulled the oars in anxious to give himself a break. He laid back staring up at the stars thinking about how much Livi loved them.

“You think one day we could go to those deserts in Chile and I could get a chance to look through the telescope?”

“I think so.” She reached over and tapped him on the knee. “Hey. Tell me some more of your useless information.”

“There’s still a monster in Loch Ness.” He chuckled.

“No seriously I want to hear something outrageous.”

“There are crows that live at the Tower of London and they say if the crows ever leave England will fall.”

“Useless.”

“You asked for it.” He closed his eyes taking in a deep breath. “I was thinking you should marry me.”

“Is that right? Why should I do that?”

“Because if you don’t I’ll have to take the ring back.”

The moment those words left Tom’s mouth Livi began to panic. Her thoughts trailed back to her parents. They constantly told her that she was unworthy of love that no one would ever want to be with her for the rest of their life. She was damaged beyond repair and nobody in his or her right mind would be able to tolerate her.

Livi tucked her hair behind her ears. “You’re being ridiculous.”

Tom sat up reaching into his coat pocket pulling out a small black box. He opened it up and there in front of her was a diamond ring. It was bigger than anything she had ever seen and it was obvious he had spent quite a bit of money on it. She was torn. Livi raised her glance looking into his blue eyes still as vivid in color despite the dark London night. Tears began to form in her eyes and Tom watched as one fell down her cheek.

“You don’t want to marry me.” She sniffled.

Tom wasn’t shocked by her response. He reached over and grabbed her hand. “I do want to marry you. I promised I would never leave you and I meant it. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to prove to you that you deserve all the love in the world and I will give that to you. I don’t care about your mental state if it bothered me I’d be long gone. When you suffer, I suffer right along with you. I hurt for you just as much as you hurt. I want you to be the mother of my children my partner in life to grow old with you to…”

“You always talk so much.” He let her hand go sitting up straight thinking that her final answer was no. “Ok I’ll marry you.”

“What?”

She gave him back her hand wiggling her ring finger at him. “I said I would marry you.”

“Good because I don’t know what the return policy is on an 8-carat…”

“You didn’t…”

“I did and it was worth every penny.” He took the ring from its resting place slipping it on her finger a wide smile crossing his face before kissing her hand.

She looked down at the sparkler that now adorned her finger. It was absolutely breath taking and would be hard to hide from prying eyes. Perhaps that’s what he wanted to let the world know that he had made the biggest commitment of his life to her. He wanted people to know just how in love with her he was. Either way it didn’t matter. All she could feel was complete happiness and suddenly all the weight she had been carrying from her past lifted off her. This man loved her he had proven her parents wrong.

“I love you.” She whispered watching as he took the oars in his hands dropping them back into the calm water.

“I love you too. Now let’s get back before that rock on your finger sinks the boat.”


	12. Don't Let Him In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sophie and Benedict find out what's really going on in Tom and Livi's relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I wanted to write another chapter with a lot of fun banter before the next one. Chapter 13 is about their wedding and it is going to be extremely heavy so enjoy the fun while you can.

The newly engaged couple laid low for a while wanting to enjoy their time together before things got out of control. Tom decided against putting an announcement in the paper much to his mother’s disappointment. She wanted to do things the proper way and couldn’t understand why her son was so nonchalant about the entire thing. Truth was they wanted it to be a quiet affair with only close friends and family. Livi planned to wear something simple for frills were never her thing and Tom would have been fine wearing his normal everyday clothes if it weren’t for his mother pleading with him to at least wear a suit. He finally gave in, but that was the only time he would. They were going to do things their way whether she liked it or not.

There was nothing out of the ordinary that morning as Tom stood over a hot stove making breakfast. Livi had just gotten out of the shower and he expected her to come down within the next few minutes. As he scraped the half-burned eggs off the bottom of the pan, Livi yelled at him front the bedroom.

“I forgot to tell you not to make me breakfast!”

He dropped the spatula a little annoyed that she hadn’t informed him sooner. “Thanks for the advanced notice.”

Tom listened her hurried footsteps grew louder as she ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. Her hair was up in a messy bun and he could tell that her breakfast date was very last minute.

“Who are you meeting?”

“Sophie.” Tom’s body became rigid. “She sent me a text earlier saying she needed to talk about doing some photography work. I shouldn’t be long.” She observed how tense he was. “What is wrong with you?”

Tom finally began to relax not realizing he had been so stiff. “Nothing I just…I had a crick in my shoulder.”

Sophie sat by the window sipping on her tea watching the reflections of people passing by. As usual, Livi was running late. While she knew that Livi and Tom were an item she had no idea they were living together and was certainly oblivious to just how serious their relationship was. She took another sip of her drink slurping softly glancing at the woman approaching her who looked as if she had just rolled out of bed.

“You look…nice.” She smiled politely a bit embarrassed by her friend’s appearance. “You’re in your pajamas aren’t you?”

Livi shrugged and sat down. “What’s the point of getting dressed it’s just you.”

“I see how it is. You only get dressed up for your boyfriend.”

“Ha. I barely even get dressed for him. I rely solely on the fact that he likes my personality more than my appearance.”

Sophie finished her tea pushing her cup aside. “I’m directing another play at the Barbican and I want to hire you to be the official photographer. I just need some pictures of our rehearsals and of course opening night. I want you to help promote it.”

“Sounds like fun. It’s been a while since I’ve been to the theatre.”

They gave each other a quick smile it always tended to turn extremely awkward between them rather rapidly. Sophie was of course six years older than Livi, had a much better upbringing than she did, and to be honest Livi didn’t have very warm feelings towards her. Growing up Sophie and her family knew of the troubles she had at home and chose to ignore them. There were times when Livi would attempt to turn to her older friend as a shoulder to cry on, but Sophie always brushed her off. They didn’t want to entangle themselves in someone else’s family squabbles and Livi resented her for that.

“Well…” Livi shifted in her chair lifting her hands that had been sitting in her lap leaning her elbows on the table.

Sophie immediately asked about the new piece of jewelry she had on her finger. “What is that?”

“What is what?”

“That!” Sophie exclaimed grabbing Livi’s left hand. “My god it’s massive. Did you get engaged and not tell me?”

“We didn’t want to make it a big deal.”

Suddenly everything started to make sense for Sophie had received a bit of news about Livi from her parents. At first, she didn’t believe it. Livi would never do something so bold and there was of course the known fact that she was a virgin.

Sophie continued staring at Livi’s engagement ring wanting to be as discreet as possible. “I heard you moved.”

Livi rolled her eyes. “Did you now?”

“Your parents told my mother that Tom and you paid them a visit.”

“And you believed them?”

“Why would your parents lie about that? So tell me Livi are you and Tom living together?”

“Yes we are. We have been for quite some time. It’s funny really I thought you to be more observant than that.”

“If you’re living together does that mean you lost your v-card?”

This conversation had gone far enough. As much as Livi wanted to shout from the rooftops that she was no longer in the minority of women in their 30’s who haven’t had sex, she was still a private person. It was none of Sophie’s business anyways and she still couldn’t understand why people always wanted to prod into other people’s sex lives.

“I have to go.” Livi smirked collecting her things and bolting for the exit anxious to get back home not knowing that this day was about to get even more uncomfortable.

Sophie rushed home anxious to tell her husband about the information she had just discovered. The door slammed behind her and her husband popped his head out from the kitchen door.

“What are you doing back so soon? I thought you and Livi were meeting for breakfast.”

“We did. Just wait until you hear what I have to tell you.”

Livi returned home exhausted from the meeting she had just been to. Tom was sitting on the couch watching reruns of Doctor Who and didn’t even hear her come in. She flopped down beside him and felt him jump startled by her sudden presence.

“Bleeding Christ woman where did you come from?”

“Ugh I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t even know why she invited me to her wedding after all we both can barely stomach each other.”

“She invited you so you could meet me.”

“Bring your ego down a notch.”

“I thought you and Sophie were friends.”

“Barely. The only reason I agreed to meet with her was that it involved taking photos. Otherwise I would have just lied to her that I was sick and couldn’t make it.”

“Damn.”

As she snuggled up next to him, the doorbell rang. They both sighed loudly.

“Tell them to go away.” Livi groaned.

“I can’t I’m expecting my agent to drop by.” Tom shoved her off.

“If you don’t answer the door I’ll let you get it in right now.”

“I hate you. Can I take a rain check? Let’s say immediately after they leave your arse is mine.”

She smiled and sank back into her spot anxious to take a quick nap before Tom had his way with her.

The doorbell rang again. “I’m coming!” Tom shouted leaning his ear against the door. “Who is it?”

“Just open the door you stupid tosser!”

Livi shot up staring over the back of the couch recognizing the voice immediately. It was Benedict as if dealing with his wife wasn’t enough dealing with him could sometimes be 10 times harder.

“Don’t let him in.” She mouthed to her fiancé begging Tom to shoo him away.

“He’s one of my best mates I can’t.” He whispered back opening the door and forcing a smile. “What a nice surprise!”

“Likewise.” Benedict said with a wide grin. “Excuse me.” He pushed past Tom stepping into the house and immediately taking note of Livi sitting there glaring at him. “So it’s true then.”

“What’s true?” Tom inquired.

“You and Livi are living together.”

“Thank you captain obvious.” Tom retorted. “What’s your point?”

“I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. I also heard that you’re engaged.”

“God Sophie couldn’t keep her mouth shut if you paid her.” Livi mumbled to herself.

“Pardon?” Benedict replied not catching everything, she had said.

“I didn’t say anything.”

Livi got up retreating into the bedroom not wanting to spend another second in the same room with her fiancé’s “best friend.” Tom closed the door and the two men headed towards the couch that was no longer occupied. They sat down and Tom prepared himself for the interrogation.

“So you’re…”

“Yes.” Tom responded swiftly.

“You’re also.”

“Yes.”

“Would you stop doing that?”

Tom snickered. “Well what else am I supposed to say? Yes we’re having sex, yes we’re living together, yes we’re engaged.”

Benedict’s eyes widened. “Wait just a fucking minute! You’re getting married?”

Tom raised his eyebrow. “I thought Sophie told you all this.”

“She may have left something rather significant out, but forget that I want to know about the sex part.”

“You would. I’m putting my dick in her what more could you possibly want to know?”

“What position does she like most?”

“Seriously?” The expression of eagerness didn’t leave Benedict’s face. “Um…I don’t know you’d have to ask her.”

“Ok then what’s yours?”

“I like them all I can’t just choose one. I’m a guy for god sakes I just like sex I don’t care how I get it.”

“Does she suck you off?”

“Of course.”

“Get on.”

“She deep throats.”

“She does not!”

“She does too. She lacks gag reflexes it’s rather glorious, but why the hell am I even telling you this?”

Benedict smiled. “Because we are men and we are having a sex talk. That’s just what we do.”

Tom nodded. “Right yes go on then.”

“Have you kneeled at the alter?”

“Is that what we’re calling it now?” Tom asked rolling his eyes.

“Just answer the question have you had a box lunch or not?”

“Yes ok! God you’re so annoying when it comes to sex! You’re like a 13 year old boy who’s just hit puberty.”

“Can I just ask you one more question?”

Tom folded his arms. “No.”

“Please? I promise I will drop the topic of sex after this.”

“Fine.”

“Does she let you in the back door?”

“Get out.” Tom stood up and grabbed Benedict by the arm pulling him off the couch with extreme force.

“Now wait…” Benedict protested still wanting to gather more information about his friend’s sexual adventures.

Tom pushed him towards the door wanting to get him out as soon as possible. As much as he wanted to be angry with Ben, he knew this was simply the way he was and he meant no harm. His curiosity just tended to go overboard at times and Tom was waiting for a very important visitor.

“I can leave on my own.” Benedict huffed opening the door to let himself out. “By the way don’t forget I’m your best man.”

“That’s still up for debate now goodbye.” He pushed Benedict one last time slamming the door still reeling from what had just happened.

“You ok?” Livi asked appearing at the top of the stairs. “I told you not to let him in.”

“It’s fine he’s just being Benedict.”

“You mean annoying?”

“He means well.” Tom made his way to the stairs slowly ascending them his body suddenly feeling rather sore. “I think I may cancel on my agent. I’m exhausted.”

Livi smiled running her hands across his chest as he stood in front of her. “Don’t do that it’s a really important meeting. This may be the last chance you have at making a film before we get married.”

She was right. “Can you make me some coffee? I need a little something to wake me up.”

“I can make you coffee.” She replied. “But a box lunch might be better.”

“You were eavesdropping.”

“I can’t believe you really call it that.”

Tom leaned his head down resting his chin on her breasts staring at her with big puppy dog eyes. “Are you going to let me have a box lunch or what?”

Livi grinned. “Alright alright. Come on lover boy let’s feed you.”


	13. I Broke Her Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Tom and Livi's wedding day and while all seems happy something very dark is lurking just around the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for the dark turn this chapter will take the story. I promise it's not over (far from it) and I know it will probably bother some people. However, this was always the way it was supposed to happen this is how I imagined it in my mind. I hope you continue to read as it is not the end of the road.

Getting married is a big step for any one the time when you vow to devote your entire life to just one person. It’s both exciting and frightening. You’re scared because everything you knew about your life is going to change forever and yet you’re elated at the prospect of having a family, of growing old with someone. A million thoughts run through your mind and all you can do is breathe. That’s exactly how Tom was feeling as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. A change was coming he was filled with anxiety. What if she suddenly backed out? What if he did? What if it didn’t work out between them? All of these things ran through his head in a constant cycle.

As he stood there someone flew passed catching him off guard. It was his mother Diana. She had been running around all morning trying to get last minute details in order or so she thought. In fact she spent most of her day moaning about her son’s choices on such a special day. She had old English standards and expected her son to abide by them. However, Tom was defiant and put his foot down and that only riled her up more. She took one look at him standing there gawking at himself and released a heavy sigh.

“What’s wrong now?” Tom asked straightening out his tie.

“Nothing.” She replied. “Absolutely nothing.”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. “It’s something so just tell me.”

Diana put her hands on her hips taking in his appearance once more. “I can’t believe my son is wearing a suit on his wedding day.”

His mother had insisted he at least wear coattails. It was bad enough that he had refused to put an announcement in the paper, hadn’t invited half his family, and opted to have his wedding outside the church, and the suit just sent her over the edge.

Tom tugged on his jacket his navy blue suit with matching tie and brown oxfords made him look sophisticated yet it wasn’t too lavish. It was the perfect attire for an English garden wedding despite what his mother thought.

“Have you seen Livi at all this morning?” He inquired hoping to get a bit of information about her appearance.

“Yes I have and I’m not telling you a thing.”

“Fine be that way.”

Diana walked up behind him and began picking the tiny hairs off his jacket. “Where did she stay last night?”

“At our house.”

“Thomas William! You’re supposed to spend the night apart before your wedding.”

“Why?” He shrugged not seeing the big deal. “She lives there no need for her to go sleep elsewhere.”

He turned around smiling down at his mother who was still trying to tidy him up like a mother cat grooming her young. Diana was only acting this way because he was her only son and she just wanted the best for him. In reality, she was overjoyed. Her son had found a wonderful woman and she was happy because he was happy.

“I love you mum.” He whispered leaning over and kissing her cheek.

Diana placed her hands on his face tears now rolling from her eyes. “I love you more. Now stop being so sappy.” She shouted giving him a light slap to his face. “We have to get your married so I can be rid of you once and for all.”

Tom’s old school mate and best man Sam stood behind him watching as his friend continued to tug nervously at his clothing. He reached out and placed his hand on his shoulder giving it a firm squeeze.

“Just relax mate.” He said wanting to calm his nerves. “Wait until you see her.”

He drew in a deep breath as the bridal chorus began to play and the moment his eyes fell upon her he lost it. Livi looked beautiful. There was this glow about her she was happier than he had ever seen her. The smile she was wearing never wavered and he found it hard to keep his composure. A tear ran down his cheek and his heart stopped for a brief moment. This was it, the moment he had waited for all his life. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally stood before him handing off her bouquet before placing her hands in his.

“Dearly beloved…”

Diana was pleased that in the beginning, they followed the traditional wedding ceremony and then it came to their vows.

“Tom and Livi have written their own vows.”

“Oh for Christ’s sakes.” Diana mumbled to herself thinking no one heard her.

“Relax mum.” Tom chortled causing her to shift awkwardly in her seat.

“Tom you can go first.”

He stared at Benedict whom they had chosen to officiate. Why did he have to go first? He reached into his pocket pulling out a piece of paper the permanent marked he had used to write with leaking through. He began to open it but something stopped him. He inhaled and then opted to speak from the heart.

“My darling Livi. I was going to start my vows by reminiscing about how we met, but instead I think you should know just how much I love you. When I saw you walking down that aisle my heart literally skipped a beat. I think about our future together and I am so overwhelmed with happiness that sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode. I look forward to waking up every day because it means waking up to you. You are so worthy of love and I will love you with every fiber of my being. You mean the world to me and I am so lucky that you chose me to be your partner in life.”

Livi smiled reaching up and wiping a tear away from his eye as Benedict gave her the go ahead to read her own vows. People would be shocked by what she said especially his mother who was already trying not to have a fainting spell. It was short and to the point. It was Olivia.

“Tom. As usual you talk to much...” She laughed. “…and I love you to the moon and back.”

That’s what she always said before they went to bed each night. It was enough for him and he didn’t need her to say another word. They exchanged rings and then the ceremony ended.

Benedict instructed them to turn towards their family and friends and then in his loud booming voice stated. “It is my absolute pleasure to introduce to you for the first time Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Hiddleston!”

* * *

 

Fairy lights draped across the tall beams of the old barn where Tom and Livi had chosen to host their reception party. The bride wanted a beautiful whimsical theme and her groom was happy to make that happen. It was everything she had dreamed of growing up. There was a live band, an open bar, and a large open floor where they had their first dance as husband and wife. Life was good it was perfect. Benedict took full advantage of the free drinks and as the night wore on it was obvious from his bloodshot eyes that he perhaps had too much. The crowd began to settle in at their tables anxious to start their meals.

“Excuse me.” Sam tapped on his champagne glass with the handle of his knife to get everyone’s attention. “I’d like to make a toast. Livi thank you for calming him down I know his ADD is a big tough to deal with but you have done a phenomenal job. I remember when we were at university together he was notorious for never wanting to wear clothes that I expect is an advantage for you. Tom take good care of her she deserves it and make sure you lay her plenty for as they always say happy wife happy life. Cheers!”

The couple laughed at his short yet true speech. Tom grabbed Livi’s hand giving it a quick kiss not knowing what was too come next.

“I also would like to make a toast.” Benedict slurred tapping on his glass far less gracefully than Sam had.

Tom felt a lump form in his throat. “Ben you don’t need to do this.”

“Tom you’re one of my best mates. I’ve known you for a long time and I am so happy for you. Do you remember the bet we made? Who knew you would end marrying her.”

Tom looked at Livi. “He’s drunk.”

“I bet him 5 grand that he could get in your knickers and he did.”

“Ben that’s enough!” Tom shouted wanting him to shut up.

“Sorry. It doesn’t matter anyways. To the bride and the groom!”

A silence fell over the room and Tom could feel everyone’s eyes on him.

“Is it true?” Livi asked her voice trembling.

“Darling…”

“Don’t call me that. Just tell me is it true?” She looked at him her eyes filled with tears.

He wanted so badly to lie to her. It would have been so much easier to tell her it was made up that Benedict had one too many drinks, but he couldn’t.

“I’m so sorry. I promise you I ended it before we ever got together. I never took the money.”

Livi began to cry hard her heart filled with sadness on what should have been the most joyous day of her life. The man she had fallen in love with had destroyed her trust. She started to wonder if she had ever really known Tom. Her chest tightened and she struggled to breathe. Standing up she kicked her chair back exiting the room feeling humiliated. Tom immediately rushed after her intent on calming her down.

“Livi listen to me.” He reached out to grab her hand only to have it ripped away.

“Leave me alone. I need some time to myself. I’m going back to the house do not follow me.” She turned and walked away leaving Tom there to deal with what he had done.

He found solace in the men’s bathroom standing up against the wall for half an hour wondering if Livi would ever be able to forgive him. As he leaned his head back feeling the cold tile against his scalp the door flew open and in walked Luke. He was outraged.

“Don’t do this right now please.” Tom pleaded knowing what was to come.

Luke approached him placing his hand on his chest pushing against him harder into the wall. “I can’t believe you. Did you think she would never find out?”

“Luke just leave me alone.”

“Who the fuck are you? I don’t even know you anymore. You’re a bastard you know that!”

“I know that!” Tom shouted. “Do you think I’m not aware of what I did? I never took the money I swear I didn’t.”

“That’s not even relevant now!”

Tom opened his mouth to respond but was silenced by a sudden shock in his heart followed by a feeling of not being able to settle himself down. It was as if a part of him had just died. He panicked and pushed Luke away with such force he knocked him to the ground. All he knew was that he had to get to Livi.

“Take me to the house.”

Luke got to his feet. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Please Luke. Take me home.”

Tom didn’t need to say another word and the two men managed to slip past the remaining party guest without being seen. The drive to the home he shared with Livi seemed to take an eternity. He couldn’t get comfortable and was constantly moving around in the passenger seat. It making Luke go mad and he was elated when they arrived at their destination. Tom got out and just as Luke put his car in reverse, he stopped him.

“Wait out here for me.”

Luke groaned he had to wake up early tomorrow to meet with Emma Watson. He sunk into his seat glancing at his watch anticipating the moment when Tom would return. Instead, he heard a deafening scream. He jumped out of his skin in fright. Something was terribly wrong. He vaulted out of his car and into the house.

“Tom?”

The scream came again from the upstairs bedroom and he ran up the stairs. He peeked around the corner and could see Tom kneeling on the floor crying so hard he was making himself sick. As he entered, he glanced down at the floor and what he saw would be embedded in his mind for the rest of his life. There was Livi's lifeless body on the floor with a belt around her neck. He called for an ambulance stepping out of the room to give them a description of the situation not wanting to upset Tom anymore than he already was. The paramedics arrived shortly after and the scene only became more chaotic.

“Tom you have to clear out.” One of the paramedics ordered.

“NO…NO I AM NOT LEAVING HER!”

“You need to get out!”

“I’M NOT LEAVING HER!” He yelled again by now the police had arrived.

It took Luke plus 3 police officers to tear Tom away. He didn’t go without a fight kicking and shouting the entire way. When they got him to the dining room Luke watched as his friends eyes rolled back and he collapsed.

* * *

 

Tom’s eyes slowly fluttered open the events of that night still fresh in his mind. He could see Livi there in that closet a belt tightened around her neck. There she was her face a horrible ash gray. It petrified him. He shot up in the bed looking around not at all familiar with where he was. He flailed his arms knocking into the tray that stood next to the bed flinging himself off and onto the ground.

“I need to get home!” He stated trying to stand up.

“Tom!” Luke ran into the room grabbing onto his friends arm. “Just relax.”

“I need to get back to her!” Tom struggled his legs felt like jelly.

“Look at me.” Luke insisted. “LOOK AT ME!” Tom’s eyes met his and his heart leapt into his throat. “Tom…you can’t see Livi.”

“Don’t you dare say that to me!”

“Tom Livi is brain dead.”

“No…” Tom's bottom lip quivered. “No…”

“I am so so sorry.”

Agony filled Tom’s heart he didn’t want to believe it but as the images of her lifeless body rotated in his mind, he knew Luke was telling the truth. Immediately he vomited up the contents of his stomach and he experienced unimaginable physical pain as well as emotional. How could this have happened? Just this afternoon they were happy and madly in love and now, he was all alone.

Luke lifted him pulling him into a tight hug. Tom sobbed into Luke’s chest soaking his shirt with his tears.

“I killed her! I killed her!” He shrieked repeatedly.

“You didn’t kill her.” Luke tried desperately to comfort him.

Tom pulled away glancing at Luke the pain in his face was almost too much to bear. “I did kill her. I did.”

“Don’t do that to yourself.”

“You don’t understand. I killed her.” Tom cried harder. “I broke her heart.”


	14. Disappeared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day of Livi's funeral and Tom decides to head down a dark path that he may not survive.

After that night, Luke moved his friend into his flat in the heart of London. Tom could never go back there. He thought that by removing his client from the place that brought him the most grief that it would help ease his pain even a little bit. However, it didn’t change a thing. Tom didn’t eat, he didn’t sleep, for when he did he suffered from horrific nightmares, he didn’t even speak not a single word. Luke tried to break him down, tried to get his family to help him come around, but Tom was gone. He spent his days sitting in his dark bedroom staring at the walls his depression completely crippling him.

Livi was to be buried tomorrow and they had yet to hear the results of the autopsy report. Not that there would be any new information it was apparent how she died. Maybe it would give Tom some sort of push to keep living or it could send him spiraling even more out of control. The sound of a phone ringing echoed through the halls.

“Tom it’s for you!” Luke shouted praying to hear a reply. “Tom?”

Silence. He headed up the stairs walking into the dark room staring at the shadowy figure that sat there on the bed hunched over his eyes fixated on the blank wall in front of him.

“Tom it’s the coroner.”

For the first time since he arrived Tom looked at Luke. He reached out and took the phone pressing it up to his ear.

“It’s Dr. Abernathy. I wanted to call and confirm the cause of death to be asphyxiation due to hanging.”

“Tell me something I don’t already know.”

Just hearing Tom’s voice was a miracle for Luke. Perhaps he hadn’t completely lost him after all.

“I’m sorry. I…”

“Just tell me. You know what I’m talking about.

He listened as the corner sighed loudly. “She wasn’t pregnant Tom.”

That was all he wanted to hear. He hung up clinching the phone in his hands tears filling his eyes. It was a huge relief for him. The night before their wedding Livi had told him that she was late and he couldn’t help but feel overjoyed at the idea of having a family with her. That was at the forefront of his mind the night she died. Was she pregnant and did she kill not only herself, but also their unborn child?

“You ok?”

Tom threw the phone against the wall shattering the screen on impact. “I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP FUCKING ASKING ME THAT!”

“What do you want me to say? You won’t talk to me I don’t know how to comfort you. Do you know how agonizing it is for me to sit there and watch you just stare at the wall all day?”

“Don’t you dare try to make this about you, you prick.”

“Fine! I’m tired of trying to help you.”

“I never asked for your help! That’s just it! I never asked for anyone’s help I just want to be left alone god dammit!” Tom jumped up from the bed grabbing Luke by his jacket and tossing him out of the room slamming the door so hard the walls shook.

There was nothing he could do except go about his life ignoring the man who lived in the room down the hall. Luke settled into bed not knowing how tomorrow would go. He couldn’t help but worry about his friend he wasn’t himself. He worried that Tom may do something drastic that he might try to die along with her. He closed his eyes shifting around to get himself comfortable. As soon as he began to drift off the sleep, he heard a hair-raising scream. Tom was having another one of his nightmares. Immediately he threw the sheets off and got out of bed rushing to his aid.

“I SAW HER! I SAW…” Tom was sobbing so hard he was screaming.

Luke sat on the bed wrapping his arms around him. “Just relax.” He whispered rocking him back and forth trying desperately to put him back to sleep.

It took him over 3 hours to get Tom to calm down, but neither of them would get any sleep that night. The next morning was nerve wracking. For a moment Luke, thought Tom would back out he had mentioned before not wanting to attend her funeral. He told him that if he did it would make it final and he wasn’t quite ready to let go. Tom appeared at the top of the stairs dressed in a black suit with matching tie. He looked thinner than normal his cheekbones now more prominent. He made his way towards his publicist his eyes red and puffy.

“Let’s get this over with.”

The moment they arrived and Tom’s mother caught sight of him she was saddened by his appearance. He looked sickly and was not the lively man she once knew. She approached him wanting to just give him a hug and instead was ignored. Luke stood next to her watching as Tom walked away.

“He doesn’t look well.” She sniffled wiping her nose with her handkerchief. “How has he been?”

Luke shook his head. “He’s a mess. He has horrible night terrors and he doesn’t eat. I’ve tried everything I can to no avail.”

“It’s understandable my poor darling is hurting. I was hoping to hear from him…”

“He doesn’t talk to anyone. Not even me. I’m really worried about him.”

“Oh don’t be silly. Tom would never do anything to hurt himself that’s just how he is.”

“That may have been how he was before, but he’s a different person now. I can see the pain and anger inside of him. He’s become a ticking time bomb I’m just waiting for something to happen that will send him over the edge.”

“You really think he’s capable of such a thing?”

“I don’t know anymore.”

The service was quick for no one wanted to drag it out any longer than it needed to be. As they made their way towards the cars that lined the driveway, waiting to take them to the cemetery Tom stated that he wanted to ride alone.

“Darling you don’t need to be alone right now.” Diana protested just wanting to be near him. “Let me ride with you.”

“Mum just please. I don’t want to argue I need to be by myself.” She watched as the driver opened the door and Tom slid inside. “Make sure he makes it there ok.” She whispered taking a step back watching as they drove away.

Luke and Diana rode in the car behind them both just watching to make sure Tom didn’t fling himself out of the moving vehicle.

“You think Benedict will show up?” She asked.

“If he does he’s an idiot.” Luke quipped. “He knows better than to show his face here.”

Diana nodded. “It’s not his fault you know. She made a poor choice.”

“Try telling that to your son. He still believes whole heartedly that he killed her.”

The cars came to a stop as they pulled up next to the rows of headstones a freshly dug grave sat in the distance. Tom got out and his mother ran to him wanting to keep him in her sight at all times. To her surprised he allowed her to grip onto his arm and he escorted her down to where Livi was to be buried. Still he said not a word. The entire time Luke stared at Tom he could see that he had totally removed himself from reality. Every word the vicar said was nothing but jumbled jargon to Tom’s ears. As things quieted down all eyes were on Tom. Everyone wanted to see what he was going to react in such a way that it would cause a scene. He didn’t. He just sat there stoned face glaring at her casket which was adorned with flowers. People began to leave until only the three of them were left.

“Do you need a minute?” Luke asked not wanting to set him off.

“Yes. I won’t be long.”

Luke and Diana headed back to the car waiting anxiously for Tom to show up. They both looked at their watches noting the time. He probably needed more time than they anticipated so they gave him a few more minutes. 30 minutes then turned into an hour and then an hour turned to two. Something had gone awry.

“I’m going to go see if he’s done.” Luke remarked walking back to Livi’s grave site.

When he got there, her casket had been lowered into the ground and they were beginning to cover it with the brick red dirt.

“Excuse me where is the man who was standing here?”

The man looked around. “He left about an hour and a half ago.”

“What?”

“Yeah he just took off down the road. I thought you would have seen him.”

Luke’s heart leapt into his throat. He didn’t tell Diana what had happened not wanting to cause her anymore stress. They dropped her off at her home and then Luke went to find Tom. He knew he wouldn’t be at the flat that would be too easy. Luke called his friends, called places where he frequented; he was nowhere to be found. The police were his last resort, but given that, Tom hadn’t even been missing a full 24 hours it was hard for them to do much. Just when he had exhausted all his options, the phone rang. It was Tom.

“Where the hell are you?”

“I’m gone.”

“That’s obvious, but where are you?”

“Luke…I can’t come home.”

“Tom I’m worried to death about you. Please come back to the flat and we can talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. It just hit me that she’s really gone. I’m never going to see her again. I will live the rest of my life waiting for her to walk through the front door and she never will.”

“You can’t blame yourself for this. You did nothing wrong.”

“I should have never made that bet. If I hadn’t agreed to it she would still be here.”

“Would she?” There was an eerie silence. “If she didn’t kill herself then was there any promise that she wouldn’t have done it later on? Livi was sick Tom she had a traumatic childhood that also probably contributed to the way she was feeling that night.”

“You have no idea what I’m going through right now.”

“You’re right I don’t.”

“I have to go.”

“No Tom don’t hang up.”

Tom could still hear Luke shouting over the phone as he disconnected the call. He was in a part of the city he never thought he would be. It was filled with drugs and prostitution. He simply didn’t want to feel anything. It was something he never thought he would ever do. Sure, he experimented when he was younger what young kid didn’t. However, he was about to throw himself into a much darker place. The once clean cut happy go lucky free spirited man no longer existed. Instead, a person who was raging, a man whose heart had been shattered into a billion pieces, replaced him. No one and nothing was ever going to be able to put him back together, but he could numb himself. He paced up and down the street still unsure of his decision. He could turn back now and forget everything that happened. He could go back to his old life and pretend that everything was all right. Nobody would have to know just how empty he was inside. He would keep getting jobs keep working to make sure he wasn’t sitting on his emotions all the time.

“Hey…”

He jumped not expecting to hear the voice that came out of the darkness. “Hi.”

“Are you looking for something?” The man asked half the teeth in his mouth were missing.

“I don’t know yet.”

“You don’t know yet? Well why don’t you find out?” The man reached into his knapsack and pulled out a needle still sterile in the package. “You have to be safe out there. I know a doctor he makes sure I get clean needles when I need them. Want to try it?”

Tom could feel the itch in his feet. He wanted to walk away he should have walked away. The man’s hands were shaking with anticipation the thought of getting someone new hooked on his drug of choice excited him.

“I can die from this can’t I?”

“Of course you can. It’s your choice I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

That was the night Tom Hiddleston truly disappeared.


	15. It's Time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom has been missing for almost a year and when he resurfaces he's only a shadow of his former self.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long to post this. It's graduation season and I've been super busy!

That night was the last time anyone heard from Tom for almost a year. He fell off the face of the earth. Luke tried to find him, but with London being such a big city, he could be anywhere. His phone number had been changed he had completely cut himself off from the world. As it crept closer to the one-year anniversary of Livi’s death Luke couldn’t help, but think the worst. He prayed Tom would have more of a will to live, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was going to receive that dreadful call that Tom’s dead body had been found somewhere in a ditch. Just as the thought began to leave his mind, his phone rang. His heart leapt into his throat. This was it…the call he had been expecting. He reached into his pocket and pulled it out confused by the fact that the number had been marked private. Now he wondered if he should even answer. Could he really handle it? He pressed the green button and took a deep breath.

“Hello?” He could hear the sound of someone breathing heavily on the other end. “Hello? Who is this?”

“Luke? I need money.”

“TOM?” He sounded hoarse, but it was definitely him. “Where are you?”

“I’m outside your office.”

Luke was out of his chair within seconds racing down the stairs and out to the front of his office building. He looked around just needing to catch a glimpse of him. As he was standing there, a man in a dirty hoodie, who appeared to be homeless, approached him.

“Not today I gave to the needy yesterday.”

“Luke…”

He turned his gaze upwards and stared at the man hovering over him and what he saw shocked him. There was Tom looking nothing like himself. If he was thin before he was certainly gaunt now his clothes barely able to stay on his boney figure. His cheekbones were protruding from his face, his teeth looked as if they were rotting, and his face was riddled with scabs. Luke thought it odd that he would be so covered in the middle of summer the temperature a hot 30 degrees Celsius. Something was wrong and he was able to figure it out rather quickly.

“You’re on drugs.”

Tom rolled his eyes. “I’m not on drugs. I would never do that you know me.”

“Do I? Shit I haven’t seen you in almost a year!”

“Can you give me some money or not?”

Luke reached for his wallet pulling it out and opening it up. “How much do you need?”

Tom was having trouble standing still growing more agitated by the second. “Fuck why are you asking so many questions?”

“I’m sorry um…” He pulled out five hundred pounds handing it to Tom who swiftly turned to leave. “Where are you going now?”

“Fuck off!”

Tom was anxious to get back to his one bedroom flat, which was located in one of the seediest areas of London. The rent was cheap though Tom himself was struggling to pay it. His landlord was kind enough to take other forms of payment and it was the last place a person like Tom Hiddleston was expected to be. Once an actor who was destined to win an Oscar at some point was now living the life of an addict. There in his tiny home he began preparing his drug of his choice…heroin. The euphoric rush, the warm feeling of relaxation, the sense of security and protection, and the dissipation of pain was all worth the addiction. It helped him to forget everything that had happened in the past. It helped him to forget her. Once he had his syringe ready he flopped down on the couch grabbing the brown leather belt that sat next to him. It was the same belt Livi had used to hang herself with. He tightened it around his arm trying to find a good vein to use. It was starting to get harder and harder the drug abuse had worn his body down. Finally he found a vein and the needle went in. The moment the drug entered his body, he felt the release he needed. What he wasn’t expecting was for someone to come banging at his door.

“Tom I know you’re in there!”

It was Luke he had followed him. Tom ran into a frenzy trying his best to clean everything up not wanting there to be a single sign of his drug use visible. Luke’s knocks were growing louder by the second and the more Tom panicked the more he slipped up.

“I’m coming!” He opened the door a crack hoping to get Luke to go away. “What do you want?”

“Can I come in?”

“No.”

“Tom let me in.”

“No!”

Luke felt like he didn’t have any other choice. He slammed his shoulder against the door pushing as hard as he could. Finally he made entry and was appalled by Tom’s living conditions. The flat smelled, there was rotting food strewn about, dishes piled high in the sink. He was living in complete filth.

“Are you happy like this?” He looked at Tom who was nodding off. “Tom!”

“Shut up.”

Luke looked down at Tom’s arms for he had neglected to pull down the sleeves of his hoodie. This was the last place he expected Tom to be. He had so much potential and he had thrown it all away.

“Tom you’re sick and you need help.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine. Look at you you’re practically falling asleep on me.”

“I just want to be left alone.”

“Is that really what you want? When is the last time you spoke to your mother?”

Hearing Luke ask that set him off. He didn’t like discussing his family not when he was in such a bad state. He knew he had let them down knew how disappointed they would all be if they saw him like this. Tom raced back to his bedroom grabbing his car keys and bolting past Luke. This was bad. This was really bad. Luke chased after him, but he wasn’t quick enough. He watched helplessly as Tom peeled off down the road. The only thing he could do was call the police.

“There’s a man high on heroin behind the wheel of a car. He’s going to kill someone.”

Luke got into his own car hoping he could stop Tom before things turned from bad to worse. He stayed on the phone with the dispatcher the entire time. As he rounded the corner, he spotted Tom’s car. He had crashed it into a tree.

Diana met Luke at the hospital still knowing nothing of her son’s current condition. What was he supposed to tell her? It wasn’t as if he could just blurt it out it would be too much for her to handle. He began to pace back and forth in front of her doing nothing to ease her worried mind. Then he took a deep breath and slowly began to tell her the truth.

“Diana...”

“I’m just thankful he’s alright.”

“He’s not.”

“Of course he is I know my son. He just needed to get away for a while.”

“Listen to me. I’m going to try and be as gentle as I can be, but you need to know the truth.”

“I want to see my son.” She tried to push past Luke who blocked her way. “What are you doing?”

“You don’t want to go in there.”

“I need to see my child.”

“Please don’t…”

She was persistent and finally he knew there was nothing he could say to stop her. Diana walked into the room and her heart dropped to her feet the moment she saw him. That was not Tom. She turned around to leave thinking they had walked into the wrong room, but Luke wouldn’t let her.

“He’s addicted to heroin.”

“That’s not funny.”

“I know it isn’t. He came to me this morning for money. I suspected something was wrong when he showed up in a hoodie. It’s sweltering out there no one in their right mind would be that covered up. I followed him to his flat and it was apparent he was doing drugs.”

A tear fell down her cheek hearing everything that Luke was saying. “I don’t believe you.”

“I can prove it.” He walked over to Tom’s bedside grabbing his arm and showing her his track marks. “The doctor’s told me they had a hard time getting an IV in him because his veins have pretty much collapsed.”

It was a devastating blow. Never in a million years did she expect to see her son this way and she couldn’t deal with it. Diana felt her knees give way as she collapsed on the floor unable to stop her tears. Luke tried to comfort her to no avail. Tom had been through so much the past year and she believed she had truly lost him. He was never coming back and now she could do nothing but worry. Worry that she would lose her only son. A handful of the hospital staff came into the room escorting her out still trying to console her. As soon as she exited, Tom began to come around still having not a clue as to what had happened. His eyes flickered open the color having left them.

“How did I get here?” He whispered.

“You ran into a tree...”

“Oh.”

“…while high on heroin.”

“You make it sound so bad.”

“And you make it sound so normal. You used the same belt Livi hung herself with. Is that supposed to be some form of retribution?”

“Yes it is.” Tom replied sternly. “I brought this on myself.”

“No you didn’t and that’s where the problem is.”

“How would you like me to feel then Luke? You want me to be like you with the mentality that I did nothing wrong that she just made a bad choice? I’m so fucking tired of hearing that.”

“That’s the reason you’re in that bed right now because you used drugs to run away from the pain.”

Luke was right and that made Tom feel even worse. He had numbed himself from everything he had made Livi completely disappear. The memories of her were all gone the moment the drugs rushed through his veins. It was a terrible thing to do and Livi deserved better than that.

“There’s a facility I looked into in California.” Luke mumbled. “They have a room for you.”

“I’m not going.”

“If you don’t go you will force me to do something I really don’t want to.” He bit his bottom lip. “If you don’t do this I will no longer be there when you need me. I’m not going to become an enabler. I will cut off all contact you will never see me again.”

“If that’s how you feel…”

He nodded wishing that Tom’s response would have been different. It was going to be difficult to cut him out of his life after all they were like two peas in a pod. They sometimes spent more time together than they did with their own families. He hung his head turning his back to his friend trying to take his time walking out the door not really wanting to go.

“Don’t leave me.” Tom spoke up. “I’ll go. Please don’t leave me alone.”

It was music to Luke’s ears. “They’re going to finish detoxing you here. They have medication to help ease your withdrawal symptoms.”

“Fine.”

“Alright well I need to get back to work. I’ll check up on you tomorrow.” He gave Tom a reassuring tap on his foot. “This is a good thing.”

“I know. I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

When Luke returned the next evening, it was clear that Tom was still punishing himself for Livi’s death. Withdrawing from heroin without any medication was agonizing. The doctor’s tried to reason with him, but he wouldn’t listen. By the time Luke saw him he was in excruciating pain. His body was cramping, his pupils were dilated making them look pitch black, he was drenched in sweat, and his eyes watered continuously. It was heartbreaking to watch Tom lay there screaming for someone to just let him die. All Luke could do was remind himself that it would all be over soon and that when it was finished his friend would be getting the help he so desperately needed. It was time for this to stop. It was time for Tom to stop blaming himself. It was time for him to get his life back.


	16. Second Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as Tom is beginning to get his life back together someone enters it who is going to change everything.

The salty smell of the water permeated the air as the waves crashed against the shore. California was very different from London. The sun was always out Tom couldn’t remember a day when it wasn’t. It was the complete opposite from the darkness and gloom of England. He desperately needed the change. The very place he grew up no longer held the same spark it once did. So much had happened there so many horrible things. He couldn’t go back. He couldn’t ever go back. Tom finished the 90-day rehabilitation program and moved into a sober living facility. While he was there, he reconnected with his family and friends including Benedict. He had forgiven him for what happened. It wasn't either of their faults and there was no longer a reason to be angry with him.

After a while, he felt strong enough to be on his own two feet. Continued therapy sessions had helped him get a bit of his life back. He left sober living and moved into a home of his own right on the beach. Life was getting better and now he felt comfortable enough inviting people to see him. Benedict was due to stop by for the first time since the night of Tom’s wedding. The two had kept their distance, but now everything was pleasant between them. Benedict also was bringing something that excited Tom tremendously, a movie script. Tom was ready to get back into acting and it came with recommendation from his therapist. One of the best things a recovering addict could do was stay busy.

Tom stood in front of the window staring at the blue water that sat in the distance. This was home now. He took a deep breath the sound of a hard knock echoed off the walls. His heart leapt in his chest as he turned on his heels and bolted for the door throwing it open a wide smile perched on his face.

“Holy shit…” Benedict was in awe. “…you look so good!”

The two of the embraced in a tight hug this was the closure they both needed. They were friends again. Tom welcomed Benedict into his home showing him to the living room anxious to get his hands on the script he had tucked under his arm.

“Have you read it yet?” Tom inquired bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“I skimmed it. It’s brilliant. This is going to be your big comeback.” He pulled the script from its resting place handing it over and watching his friend beam with joy.

Benedict watched as Tom scratched the ginger beard that he had started to grow the moment he entered rehab. “This damn thing is so annoying.”

“Then you should shave it.” Benedict quipped.

“No it gives me character. Hey, why don’t we go out and get some coffee? I haven’t had caffeine in months.”

“I just had some on the way over.”

“You can come keep me company you tosser. Stop trying to get out of spending time with me.”

This was Tom. He remembered this man. This was someone who was full of life who had a sharp tongue and would take the piss out of him constantly. His friend was back. The two of them headed out anxious to catch up on what had been going on in their lives. Benedict talked about his home life things with Sophie had been a bit rough after the incident with Livi. Tom told him about his stint in rehab and how good it felt to be clean. Entering into the nearest Starbucks the strong aroma of coffee surrounded them. As they stood at the counter Tom couldn’t shut up.

“When did they add all this? I feel like when I left everything was so simple.”

“Tell me about it. I feel like they added 50 new flavors just within the past 2 days.”

Her voice sounded so familiar. Why did it sound so familiar? He turned to look at her wanting to see the woman who had made such a lighthearted comment. The moment his eyes fell on her he ceased breathing. He felt the life rush out of him and thought for sure he would die right there in front of all those people.

Benedict watched as she reached over for a lid not thinking anything of the situation. He happily obliged her before finally taking in her appearance.

“Holy shit.”

It was as if Livi had come back from the dead. She looked exactly like her only slightly taller, thinner, and her hair was an ash blonde color, but she had the same deep brown eyes, the same…everything. They watched as she walked away and Benedict could see Tom was struggling to figure out what had just happened.

“Tom just calm down…”

He didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence. Tom bolted after her knocking into patrons left and right. He caused quite a commotion and Benedict could only stand by and watch.

“Hey!” Tom shouted after her.

“Hey…” She replied spinning around to face him. “…are you alright?” His face was ash white he looked as if he was about to pass out. “You might want to take a breath.”

Tom did as she said the color rushing back into his cheeks. “I’m fine. You remind me of someone I used to know.”

“Do I? I get that a lot actually. I guess I just have one of those generic faces.”

Tom smirked. “I wouldn’t call it generic.”

“I’m Tavi. It’s short for Octavia, but no one calls me that.”

Even her name was practically the same. Tom was trying to keep himself from trembling. Looking at her brought back all those memories the good and the bad. He could see that she was beginning to get a bit uncomfortable around him and so he did his best to keep it together.

“I’m Tom.” He extended his hand and she accepted sending shivers down his spine.

“I know who you are. I work at the rehab facility. You left a week after I started so we never were properly introduced.”

This was a very good thing. One of the golden rules they learned in rehab was to surround yourself with positive people. She knew his struggle and was used to helping people like himself. There was a short silence between them his heart full of hope and then she crushed it.

“It’s not uncommon for addicts to begin working at the very places that saved them from completely ruining their lives.”

“Oh…” He rolled his lips together. “…you’re an addict then?”

She nodded. “But not the kind you’re thinking. I’m a sex addict.”

“Tom…” Benedict intervened catching the very last bit of the conversation. “…I got you a black coffee I didn’t know how you wanted it.”

“What?” Tom replied still lost in his own thoughts.

“We need to head back so you can look over the script.”

“Right well Tavi it was nice to meet you. I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

They got back to the house and Benedict could already see the wheels turning in Tom’s head and he knew exactly what he was thinking.

“Don’t even toy with the idea. She’s an addict just like you and two addicts equal disaster no matter how you look at it.”

“She’s a sex addict.” Tom retorted. “I don’t even know if there is such a thing.”

“Have you not seen _Shame_? It is very much a thing. These people will screw anything that breathes to get that high the same high you as a heroin abuser feel.”

“Since when did you turn in to the voice of reason?”

“Since you got it into your head that you wanted to go to bed with this girl.”

“Maybe she’s my second chance.”

“…and because of that! I knew you were going to start that shit up! She is not Livi!”

“I never said she was.”

“You don’t have to! I saw it in your eyes the moment you looked at her! Don’t let her appearance blind you I got a bad vibe from her.”

“You get a bad vibe from everyone. Once you even told me you got a bad vibe from your own mother.”

“Promise me you won’t go seeking this girl out!”

Tom groaned. “Fine. Now can we please get back to the script?”

Even though Tom agreed, Benedict knew that deep down he was still a junkie and that’s how they got what they needed. They learned to lie sometimes so well that the people around them had no idea they were enabling their addiction. The moment Benedict’s head hit the pillow Tom was off to pursue the girl who had startled him that afternoon at the coffee shop. He knew exactly where to find her.

“I figured you’d be out here waiting for me.” She smiled as she exited the rehab facility exhausted after a long day of work.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She shrugged. “You seemed like you weren’t quite ready to leave this afternoon. I take it your friend gave you a good talking to.”

Tom laughed. “He did actually. I can’t blame him though.”

“He’s right you shouldn’t be hanging around me. I would just cause you to start using again and vice versa.”

“I don’t know if I fully believe that. Can I just talk to you? Is that alright?”

“Fine but make it quick. My boyfriend will start calling me if I’m out to late.”

They headed towards the ocean finding a nice quiet spot to talk. The sand squished between Tom’s fingers as he sat down watching the breeze blow her dress up exposing her bare ass. It was hard to resist her. She took a seat beside him staring out at the calm water.

“I used to meet men out here a lot.” She stated tucking her hair behind her ears.

“I may sound stupid but I always thought sex addiction wasn’t a thing. I mean some people just really love sex.” He shifted his eyes towards her and could tell he had struck a chord. “I’m sorry I wasn’t trying to be…”

“It’s actually very much the same as a drug addiction. The way you needed heroin is exactly the way I needed sex. It was a fix for me. I didn’t care who I was fucking I needed it.”

Tom was intrigued. “What made you decide to get help?”

“I had a false positive on my HIV test. It scared the shit out of me. The whole time I thought I was invincible and then suddenly it was right there in my face just how reckless I was being.”

“Now I feel really shitty.”

“Don’t. A lot of people have a hard time accepting that it is possible...”

“That’s not what I was getting at. I feel shitty because I was actually going to proposition you for sex.”

“You wouldn’t be the first.”

He sighed. “I don’t know I guess I figured it’s been almost 3 months and you would be easy to open your legs for me. It was stupid and I am sincerely sorry.”

“You’re not telling me the whole story.”

How was she so perceptive? More than likely it was because of her job. She knew 90% of the time what they were telling her was just the tip of the iceberg. People were complicated and there was always more to the story.

“You remind me a lot of my wife.”

“I didn’t know you had been married.”

“I’m a widower. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Tom hung his head back his mind consumed with thoughts. He should have never come here he should have listened to Benedict. Why did he always have to be so stubborn? It was clear to him that whatever he was seeking he wasn’t going to find it with her. He closed his eyes taking in the sounds around him and then he felt her body shift.

“I was thinking…” She moved her hand cupping his balls in her hand and squeezing him through the fabric of his trousers.

Tom opened his eyes the feeling of her touching him was unexpected. “Tavi don’t do this.”

She leaned over her hot breath striking his eat. “...if sex is all you want then I can give that to you no strings attached.” She flicked her tongue against his earlobe.

As much as he wanted to tell her, no he couldn’t. That night Tom took her up on her offer despite his better judgement. When he returned home Benedict was waiting for him a look of disappointment on his face.

“You did exactly what I told you not to.”

“Oh get off my fucking back.”

Benedict stood up following Tom into his room. “Was it really worth it?”

“Yes it was. It felt fucking fantastic having my dick inside of her.”

“You’re so childish.”

“You asked and I gave you an answer.”

“Tom…” His eyes sank. “…what are you doing?”

Tom flopped down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Somewhere deep down he still felt the same way about Tavi. It was a stupid idea Livi and Tavi were two very different people. Yet he couldn’t help but feel something for her. They were two recovering addicts trying to find their place in a world they had become so disconnected with. This gave him reason to believe they were meant to find each other. Who was he to say that this wasn’t his opportunity to finally do things right? He took a deep breath turning his head and looking at Benedict who was now hovering over him.

“I don’t know.” He smiled softly. “I wish I did.”


	17. You Think I'm Strong?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom finds out more about Tavi and makes his first trip home since leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being so late! Life has been a bit busy.

Tom and Tavi continued their escapades despite Benedict’s disapproval. He didn’t understand what it was like to be an addict. Everyone lived with this idea that you could simply quit cold turkey and never go back. Truth was no matter how sober you were at the end of the day you will always be an addict. Tom didn’t see anything wrong with his behavior after all it was just sex it wasn’t as if he was sticking a needle in his arm. Then again, he was enabling Tavi to continue her own reckless behavior. Or was he? After all, just because he had sought her out didn’t mean anything. In the end, she was the one who came on to him. It was all her own doing. Welcome to the thinking of an addict. Everything was always someone else’s fault.

The two of them laid there on the beach after another late night rendezvous. The stars were out in full force last night and Tom couldn’t help but think of Livi. Right now, she would be talking to him about various constellations and telling him stories about her trip to the desert. It saddened him that something as beautiful as the night sky could cause him so much pain. He could use a dose of heroin just to numb the way he was feeling in that moment.

“You know some people say George Washington had wooden teeth.”

At first, he wasn’t sure if he heard her correctly and then he played her words back in his head. “What?”

“George Washington…”

“I heard you, but why would you tell me that? That is the most useless bit of information…” He laughed. “…I have ever received.”

“Oh well excuse me. I forgot you studied at Cambridge and therefore are smarter than I am.”

“It’s not that.” He sat up stretching out his back. “My wife used to tell me I was full of useless facts. She loved to hear them though.”

“You’re thinking about her right now.”

Tom leaned his head down resting it on his knees. “I think about her every day.”

Tavi knew she was perhaps she shouldn’t bring it up, but she had to know. It hadn’t been as big a story over in the States though the UK had a good run with it only prolonging his suffering. He didn’t have to answer her and if it was too much for him to handle she would quickly drop the subject. It wasn’t that she was trying to hurt him. She was just curious about the man she had been sleeping with.

“How did she die?”

Tom could feel his heart leap into his throat. He hadn’t expected that from her. Surely, she had to know. She worked at the very place he received his most extensive therapy. They had to have mentioned it at some point.

“What didn’t they tell you?”

“There’s this thing called patient confidentiality. Those people are good at keeping their mouths shut I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“She killed herself.” The lump in his throat grew larger and it surprised him just how easily it came out of his mouth. “She strangled herself because of me. She died because of me.”

Tavi rolled her eyes. “She didn’t kill herself because of you. That’s always the first thing that comes out of people’s mouths.”

“Oh so now you’re an expert on how the mind thinks? You work at intake you never even speak to these fucking people!”

“Have you forgotten that you and I basically went through the same therapy…”

“You don’t live with the guilt of having caused someone’s death whether it is true or not.”

“You know nothing about me.”

She had a point. Up until now, she was just a girl he put his dick in. They never really spoke of their personal lives in fact the only think he knew about her to be true was that her favorite color was blue. He took a deep breath preparing himself for whatever she was about to tell him. It couldn’t be that bad and yet it was worse than he could ever imagine.

“I actually used to be pretty god damn normal. Everyone always assumes I was sexually abused as a child, but I had a happy childhood. No I didn’t start having problems until I got pregnant when I was 17.” Tom couldn’t see what was so horrible about that. “I was so excited to have that baby. I carried that child for 9 months and when I finally had her she was…” Tavi’s voice quivered. “…stillborn. I never got over it and after that, I just didn’t care anymore. Sex was what I turned to it always helped to take my mind away from what had happened to my daughter. Believe me I felt the same guilt. What if I could have one something differently? Would she still be here?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not finished.” By now, tears were rolling from Tavi’s eyes and down her face. “You want to talk about killing? I have had multiple abortions. That was a choice I made I made the choice to terminate unwanted pregnancies. Before therapy it didn’t bother me I mean I did what I had to do I was in no way fit to be a mother. Then once I started to get the help it kind of all came at me full force and I felt like shit. Therapy rather did the opposite for me. Now not only was I dealing with the guilt of losing my child and thinking it was my fault now I had to deal with the fact that I had gotten rid of…” She couldn’t continue it was too painful. “…I think I should go.”

Tom nodded he himself not wanting to hear any more about her past. If he thought losing Livi was, painful he couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like for Tavi. He helped her up dusting the sand off her dress.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you. I’m actually travelling back home to London within the next few days. I was wondering if you might want to come with me.”

Tavi rolled her eyes. “Of course go back to where your addiction started no problem there. Why do you want me to go anyways?”

Tom’s face sank at her response. “I don’t know…”

“Tom look this is just sex ok? I’m not your girlfriend we don’t take vacations together we don’t go out together we just meet up and fuck each other do you understand?”

“Fine I wanted you to go because I need someone to help me stay clean. If you don’t come I have to run around with this stupid fucking sober companion my mum’s hired and he sounds like a fucking dick.”

“You picked the wrong person. I am hardly clean myself as of lately.”

Tom felt his heart leap into his throat. “Wh…what?”

Tavi chuckled. “You really think you’re the only one I’m sleeping with? You’re really naïve you know that.”

Tom didn’t say anything more he just turned and walked away. He didn’t immediately go home instead opting to sit on the boardwalk and watch the sunrise. A million thoughts were racing through his head, most of them negative ones about himself. Tavi was right he was an idiot for thinking she was only seeing him. After all, she had a boyfriend and clearly had no qualms about running around on him. When he returned home, he wasn’t expecting that someone had been hiding out awaiting his arrival. As he headed into the living room, a man jumped out at him. Tom jumped in fright a tight feeling in his chest.

“What the f…”

“Open your mouth.” That voice sounded familiar. “Hello! I said open your mouth!”

Tom did as he was instructed staring down at the man who stood before him collecting a sample of his saliva. Once he finished Tom once more opened his mouth to speak only to be shushed back into silence.

“O.K. you're clean.”

“Luke what the hell are you doing here? You scared me half to death.”

“I’m your sober companion.”

Tom shook his head. “No, no, no, no…”

“Admit it you’re happy to see me regardless of the circumstances. After you left for rehab I decided I needed to do something better with my life. Don’t get me wrong I’m still your publicist, but I thought this would be a nice side job. Now I can keep an eye on you and from what Benedict tells me…”

“Ugh god. Whatever he told you it’s not as bad as it sounds. He’s always so dramatic.”

“I don’t think you sleeping with a sex addict is being dramatic. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m fine.” That was a lie. “She’s just there to comfort me when I get lonely it’s nothing serious.”

“How can it be when she’s fucking you and the rest of the west coast?”

“Don’t talk about her like that.” Tom snapped. “You don’t know anything about her.”

“Do I need to? Anyways you’re going home soon that’s what I’m more concerned about.”

Tom slid his hands down the front of his face. The thought of seeing his mother was overwhelming. He hadn’t see her since Livi’s funeral. He felt so ashamed when it came to her. This isn’t what she wanted for her son. There was also the feeling that he had let her down. He had let everyone down. Going back to London was his chance to make everything right again.

Sitting in Heathrow was the last place Tom thought he would be. All the memories he had tried so hard to forget came flooding back to him. His mother was there to pick him up something Luke had neglected to tell him. He stood there staring at her through the glass doors she hadn’t yet seen him. For some reason she looked different though he couldn’t quite figure out why. A shoulder rubbed against his arm as Luke came to stand beside him.

“Don’t be afraid she doesn’t hate you.”

“Well she should.” Tom took a deep breath stepping outside watching his mother’s eyes well up with tears. “Don’t do that.”

“I’ve missed you!” She whispered grabbing him and pulling him in for a tight hug.

They stood there like that for what seemed like an hour and as uncomfortable, as it was for Tom he allowed her to have her moment. Finally, she released him and as if this wasn’t already awkward, Luke knew how to make it worse.

“Open.”

“What? Can we not do this now? I’m standing outside in fr…” Before he could finish Luke had shoved the swab in his mouth collecting his sample.

“He’s clean.” Luke stated with a smile.

“You’re super annoying did you know that?”

“Well you will just have to get used to it. It’s a requirement as part of your movie contract.”

“You didn’t tell me that. I’m fine I don’t need to be drug tested every day.”

“If you want to work you do.”

Tom was frustrated. “Mum could you go wait in the car?” She did as she was told leaving the two men to have it out. “Why are you doing this? You know I was fine until you showed up.”

“No you were fine until that tart showed up.” He watched Tom pucker his lips wanting to say something in her defense, but holding back his tongue. “I don’t know why you’re getting so pissy about it.”

“Because I don’t need a babysitter.”

“You did this to yourself. Do you not realize this? You chose this. No one told you to pick up a needle and shove it in your arm. No one told you to start a relationship with some girl who is an addict herself.”

“We’re not in a relationship.”

“Tom…I know you. From what Benedict tells me you’re trying to attach whatever you had with Livi to this girl. You need to reconsider this, your life, what you’re doing with it. It seems like you jump from one dangerous thing to another. You’re my best friend if anything happened to you I would be heartbroken. My life would never be the same again. Please don’t make me have to grieve for you. I’m not as strong as you are.”

Tom laughed. “You think I’m strong? I couldn’t even cope without drugs.”

“But you overcame it. You did what you had to do and now you’re ok. If it were me I’d be so far gone by now there would be no hope for me. You have something inside of you I don’t. Please don’t throw that away.”

“Well Luke…” He hung his head. “…I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not as strong as you think I am.”


	18. Why are you here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tavi shows up unexpectedly and Tom reveals more details about Livi's death.

Being back on a movie set was exhilarating. The busyness of it all made him feel alive again. This was just what he needed to get his mind off everything that had been going on in his life. Now if only he could get Luke off his back. He watched him like a hawk and he was surprised his new “sober companion” hadn’t even once attempted following him into the bathroom. He was always there even if he didn’t make himself immediately seen. Tom was sure one day the inside of his cheeks would just rot away from all the swabbing they went through. Luke was relentless, but he had a good reason to be.

Things had been going well. Tom was focused on work and he hardly ever thought about Tavi during the time he spent in London. As the final weeks of filming crept upon him he began to wonder if maybe moving back home was for the best. After all it meant Luke would be closer to work and could still keep an eye on him. He’d be close to a better support system his mother and sister Emma as well as a few friends he hadn’t yet alienated. Benedict would be around it made sense. However, the memories of what happened would still be there and more so than ever.

“You could get a place near me. I would be right around the corner if you ever needed anything.” Benedict said with a smile hoping he could convince Tom to give his hometown another go. “You have people who are still on your side.”

Tom chuckled. “Not as many as their used to be. I pushed many people away. My own sister Sarah won’t speak to me still.”

“She’ll come around. Just keep doing well.”

Tom nodded and got up from his seat his stomach growling loudly. “I’m going to go find something to eat. You want to come?”

Benedict gave a firm yes and the two of them headed out to explore. There was only one restaurant in the tiny little town located on the opposite end of its sole main road. It was a 20-minute walk nothing could possibly go wrong. The two of them passed a tall man with a bald head chatting about good old times when a familiar voice called out.

“Tom!”

He stopped dead in his tracks slowly turning around. “Tavi?”

She tucked her hair behind her ears giving him a half smile. “Hi.”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Benedict shouted perturbed to see Tavi standing there in front of him.

“It’s nice to see you too. Anyways Tom invited me.”

“Did he?” Benedict gave his friend an angry look.

“I did, but you told me you weren’t interested in coming so I think Ben’s question is still relevant. What the fuck are you doing here?”

Tavi rolled her eyes. “Oh so now you’re all for showing off in front of your friend. You would have never spoken to me like this had he not been here.”

“That’s irrelevant just answer the damn question!”

“I missed you ok?”

Tom’s heart fluttered. She missed him. Suddenly those feelings he had suppressed for so long began to resurface. For the first time since losing Livi he felt hope, he felt capable of being loved, he felt everything Livi always wanted to. They were both addicts trying to piece their lives back together. They needed each other.

“We were just going to grab something to eat if you want to join us.”

“If she’s coming I’m going back to set.”

Tom shook his head. Benedict was being unreasonable. “Why do you have to act like this?”

“Sorry if I don’t condone this relationship.” He replied just seeing Tavi upset him greatly.

Tom grabbed Benedict by the arm pulling him away from her so they could have a private conversation.

“Don’t you see how important this is to me?” Tom questioned hoping his friend would come to his senses.

“And don’t you see how destructive it is? I’m sorry but I am not backing this up. You need to think about all the people who love you and support you. You’re still doing everything I told you not to do. Does she know about Livi? I mean does she really know?”

“I’m not getting into this. Now you can come have lunch with us or not I really don’t care either way.”

Luke wasn’t happy about Tavi’s visit either. He had heard stories about her things that made him very uneasy. It wasn’t until he saw her that he was fully able to comprehend everything Benedict had told him. She looked like a carbon copy of Tom’s now deceased wife. It was uncanny and unsettling.

He quickly tested Tom it was the same routine every day. As he did, Tavi showed up anxious to have some “alone time” with the young actor, but Luke wouldn’t let her go that easily. The moment he stated Tom was clean the two tried to run off, but he stopped the young woman who had his “client” so enthralled.

“Can I talk to you first? I just need to clear some things up.”

“Whatever Benedict told you about me it’s not true.” She retorted knowing exactly what he was getting at.

“I just want to get to know you for myself. To put any concerns I have to rest. After that you and Tom can rush off and do whatever it is you do.”

Tavi nodded there was no way out of it. The two of them headed to Tom’s trailer locking the door behind them. It was extremely awkward at first neither wanting to start the conversation.

“So Benedict tells me you work at the same rehabilitation facility Tom attended.”

“I do indeed. I work intake so I don’t really get to know the people who step through our doors. I never met Tom he was gone before I took the job.”

“So you don’t know the extent of what threw him into the addiction in the first place.”

She shrugged. “I know his wife committed suicide.”

“On their wedding night.”

“I…I didn’t know about that. I really don’t think it’s fair of you to be exposing his personal life like this, this is information for him to tell me.”

“Is it? If that’s the case I promise you, you will never know the real story.”

“Maybe I don’t want to. Maybe some things are better left unsaid.”

Luke smirked. “I can see it in your eyes that now you’re curious. Tell me one more thing. Are you an addict yourself?”

“I am. I went through the same program he did except it wasn’t for drugs.”

“It was for sex. Yes I know. You can see why I’m just a bit worried about the situation.”

“No actually I don’t. Tom needs someone to confide in someone who actually gets the struggle of being an addict.”

“It’s not what you think it is, but you go right on ahead. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Those words hung in her mind. What was Luke really warning her about? She laid next to Tom running her fingers across his bare chest. This was the perfect time to ask him to give more detail about what happened to his wife. He was always extremely calm after sex and she figured he’d be more open to discuss it. She sat up her elbow sinking into the mattress as she rested her hand on her palm.

“Tell me more about your wife. I don’t even know her name.”

“What?”

“I just want to talk to you about it.”

He released a loud sigh. “Her name was Olivia, but we all called her Livi. She was a beautiful woman and I loved her very much. She taught me a lot about life and I miss her every day. Good enough?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Fine. When I met her, she was still a virgin at 30 years old. She had an extremely rough childhood that consisted of two catholic idiot parents and a lot of degrading. She was made to feel horrible about herself. She was also just waiting for the right person to come along. When I found out about her virginity I made the stupid mistake of betting Benedict that I could bed her for a grand. I never expected to fall for her, but I did and I called it off pretty early on. I was her first, I was the only man she had ever been with. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and I thought I was going to. At our wedding reception Benedict got drunk and he mentioned the bet we had made. It broke her heart and she killed herself. I found her with a belt around her neck still in her wedding dress. I used that belt to do my drugs I felt like I needed to be punished. I still do from time to time.”

She bit her lower lip not knowing what his answer would be to her final question. “Do I remind you of her?”

Tom wrinkled his nose. “Not really.”

The next day Tavi still wasn’t satisfied with their chat and Luke being around didn’t make her feel any better. It wasn’t until she discovered Tom’s mother was going to be paying a visit to the set that she began to ease up a bit. Tom, however, had never been more on edge. He dreaded having to see her. He always felt extreme amounts of shame when she was in his presence. The moment he heard she had arrived he couldn’t relax.

“Tom you look so wonderful! Luke has been doing a very good job keeping you in line I presume?”

Tom smirked. “He drug tests me at least twice a day. I think it’s fair to say he’s on top of things.”

The two exchanged a quick hug and he asked about his oldest sister Sarah who still wasn’t speaking to him.

“She just needs time. She’s still quite angry.”

“Right. I know she feels extremely let down by all of this. Though to be fair I wish people would stop thinking I’m so strong all the time. I have my weaknesses like every other human being.”

“I know that darling. We just…”

“Wanted better for me I get it.”

Diana gaze drifted away from her son’s and towards the brunette standing behind him. Her eyes widened in disbelief.

“And who is this?” She walked past him still in awe of Tavi.

“I’m Tavi. Tom’s fri…”

“You look exactly like Livi. A bit thinner, but still it's extraordinary.”

“Do I? Tom said I reminded him of someone he didn’t say it was his wife.” Tavi gave him a stern look finally realizing what Luke meant with his words.

“Tavi, can I talk to you for a quick second?” Tom could see in her face that she was extremely irritated.

The pair found a quite spot and Tom began to explain himself. “It’s not what you think.”

“You know Luke warned me that something wasn’t right with this and now I know why. You’re trying to replace her by screwing around with me. Did you think I would never find out? You can’t bring her back Tom. I’m not her I will never be her. Fuck I haven’t been a virgin in years! I’m a god damn sex addict!”

“I know you’re not her. I found it comforting to have someone around that at least resembled her. I was never trying to replace anyone I’m not an idiot I know she’s dead. I just…I have feelings for you.”

She felt her stomach turn. What was she supposed to say to that? She released a loud nervous laugh he had no idea how she functioned when it came to such emotions.

“Are you saying you love me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Good because if you do you’re an idiot. Tom I don’t do the whole “I love you” thing I can’t even remember the last time I even remotely felt that for anyone and I can’t see me ever having that with you. I told you before this is just sex. People warned me about this that you were one of those that fell in love easily and I didn’t listen.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I told you why.”

“No really why the fuck are you here?”

“I’m not doing this right now. I should have stayed back in California.”

“You should have.”

“I’m going to go now.” As she started to walk away Tom stopped her. “Please don’t do this to me.”

“I want you to stay.”

“Why though? Why do you want me to stay?”

“Because if you left now I’m afraid I’d relapse. I know it sounds stupid, but you make it easier to stay clean. Having someone around who knows I’m not Superman makes me feel more normal. Everyone around here always talks about how proud they are of me how strong I am and it’s all bullshit. You know that and I know that. You don’t lie to me you see me just the way I am.” They stood there in silence as he waited for her to say something.

Tavi took in a deep breath. “You’re really long winded you know that.”


	19. Shakespeare Bores Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom finds out a deep dark secret that will send his world crashing down.

Filming was ending and to everyone’s amazement, Luke had become very lenient with Tom’s drug testing only doing it once per day as outlined in his client’s contract. Tom had gained that little bit of trust back and it made him feel good. People used to trust him with their biggest secrets even now he still carried quite a few from his grammar school days. Slowly things were getting back to the way they were the only thing that was out of place was Tavi. People still had their reservations about her and the fact that they seemed to be growing closer didn’t help. Luke would watch them during breaks in filming as they sat and talked for hours on end. He wondered what they talked about and was it entirely healthy conversation? He would never know that was just between them.

“I’m sorry Shakespeare bores me.” Tavi stated as the two of them laid in the grass the film crew rushing around them.

Tom was aghast by the words that came out of her mouth. “How can Shakespeare be boring? He is…there are no real words to describe him he’s that good.” He rolled his lips together. “Well it’s official. I can never date a girl who doesn’t like Shakespeare.”

“That’s a relief. Since we’re on the topic though let’s hear it.”

“Hear what?”

“Shakespeare. I know you have some of it memorized.”

Truth was the drugs had taken their toll on Tom’s memory. No longer was he able to quote his favorite poet and playwright at the drop of a hat. Now he had to dig deeper than ever before just to get a little glimpse of Shakespeare’s words. He closed his eyes trying to remember exactly how the sonnet went.

“Um…When forty winters shall besiege thy brow, and did deeper trenches in thy beauty’s field, Thy youth’s…thy youth’s…” He had forgotten the rest and it pained him. “I’m going to go walk around for a bit.”

Tavi watched him get up and walk away leaving her there feeling sorry for him. The extent of how much he had lost was still unknown to him and as it slowly crept to the surface, he was struggling to deal with it all.

“What do you two talk about all day?”

Tavi groaned just hearing Benedict’s voice irked her. If she had anything similar with Livi, it was her disdain for one of Tom’s best friends. He always popped up at the worst time and when he did, it was hard to keep yourself from strangling him. He constantly tried to pry into Tom and Tavi’s relationship and left annoyed when neither of them really gave up too much information.

“That’s none of your business.”

“Have you seen Tom? I have something of his that I need to return.”

“You just missed him.”

“Would you give it to him for me? It’s in my car.”

“Fine if I have to. I’ll be here.”

Benedict raised his eyebrow. “Wouldn’t it be easier if you just came to my car with me? I’m kind of in a hurry I’m supposed to meet Sophie back at the house in an hour.” Tavi started to get up moving slower than he would have liked. “Can you hurry up?”

“Sorry. Dealing with you is a struggle in every way.”

Tavi found out just how evil Benedict could actually be that day. Luke watched her walk towards him her pace quickening with each step she took. Something had happened he could see it on her face. As she tried to move passed him he grabbed her by the arm.

“Are you ok?”

“I have to leave.”

He shook his head in confusion. “I’m sorry what?”

“I’m going home.”

“What happened?”

For some reason Tavi opened up to him. Maybe she just needed to tell someone just to get it off her chest. Luke was horrified by what he heard and it devastated him. He had to convince Tavi to stay.

“I never thought I would ever say this, but please don’t leave. Not like this.”

“I’m sorry. Now remember you promised me you wouldn’t tell Tom. It would be too much for him to handle.”

“Do you care about him?”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“God you and Tom are so similar. Trying to force me to feel things I was never made to feel.”

“You’re human just like everyone else. You are fully capable of feelings you have just taught yourself to suppress them. Now look deep down inside of you and tell me do you care for him?”

Luke was right. She had become a master at hiding her feelings. It had been so long since she felt love, felt happiness, felt anything really. It was a hard question for her to answer and the more she thought on his question the more uncomfortable she became. She never gave him a response.

By the time Luke found Tom, Tavi had already left. As much as he promised her to keep his mouth shut, he couldn’t. It may have been too much for Tom to handle, but at the same time, he thought it would help ease some of the burden his friend carried.

“We need to talk.”

“I’m due on set they’re shooting the final scene. Where’s Tavi?”

“Hence why I need to speak with you.”

There was no need to say anything more. The two of them retreated to an empty trailer Luke sitting on the couch while Tom paced around his anxiety was through the roof.

“I wish there was an easier way to tell you this.”

“Just tell me.”

“Benedict…”

“He was here?”

Luke nodded. “…he told Tavi had something to give her that belonged to you so she followed him out to his car and he felt her up. She fought him off and she was so upset she decided to leave.”

Tom could feel the heat rising in his face. His heart began to pound furiously and his head was throbbing. This didn’t sound like Benedict maybe Tavi was mistaken. He then remembered one particular incident with Livi and everything started to make sense.

“Luke I need you to take me to Benedict’s.”

“No way. If I do that you will murder him.”

“I won’t I swear to it. I need to talk to him.”

They pulled up in front of the Cumberbatch residence and before Luke could even open his mouth, Tom was out of the car. Just the way he was walking showed the amount of anger he had pent up inside of him and now was the time to release it. He slammed his fist against the door shouting loudly for Benedict to open it.

“OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!” He heard the sound of a lock and then the sound of a creaking door. The moment he realized he could enter he pushed the door so hard it knocked Benedict in the face breaking his nose.

“WHAT THE…”

Tom grabbed him by his shirt slamming him into a nearby wall Sophie by now had joined her husband downstairs. She was screaming about calling the police, but Tom didn’t hear any of it.

“What did you do to Tavi?” Tom asked between clinched teeth.

“I didn’t do anything.”

Tom slammed Benedict back into the wall. “Don’t lie to me. Luke told me everything.”

“She’s a liar.” Tom pulled him away about to slam him again and that’s when he broke. “OK OK I touched her. I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean you touched her?”

“She…she came to my car to get something of yours. I had her get it from the backseat and as she was climbing back out I pressed myself against her and I touched her breasts.”

Tom swallowed the lump that had just formed in his throat. “That’s not why I’m here though…did you ever touch Livi?”

“What?”

“You heard me! Did you ever touch my wife?”

Benedict licked the blood off his lips that was flowing freely from his nose. He couldn’t look him in the eye and instead glanced at his wife who had decided not to call the authorities after all. Tom didn’t know how to process the range of emotions he was feeling in that moment. Benedict turned his eyes back looking at Tom and it made him uneasy. There was more to this than just him touching Livi.

“How drunk were you really at my wedding?”

“Tom…”

That’s when everything came crashing down. Tom felt as if the floor had fallen out from under him. How could someone do such a thing? How could someone purposely want to ruin the lives of those around him? To say what he did and claim it was said during a state of inebriation was disgusting. Tom wanted to kill him, wanted to just smash his face in, but then he thought about Tavi. He released his grip allowed Benedict to collapse into a heap on the floor. Without saying another word, he left joining Luke back in the idling vehicle.

“He’s dead isn’t he?”

“No. We need to get to the airport before Tavi leaves.”

“I told you she’s already gone.”

“She wouldn’t leave without telling me goodbye. I know she wouldn’t.”

And he was right. She was standing there staring up at the screen that shuffled through flight statuses at a rapid rate. A tear rolled down her cheek as she turned her head and smiled at him.

“I was waiting for you.” She whispered. “I knew Luke wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut.”

“It wasn’t just you. He went after Livi too.”

“Are you going to be ok?”

“Not if you leave.”

Tavi walked towards him leaning her head against his chest. “I’m not leaving just because of what happened with Benedict. Luke said something to me…”

“I didn’t know you spoke to him.”

“He told me I had learned to suppress my feelings and he was only partially right. He asked me if I cared about you and I couldn’t answer him. I haven’t had an emotional attachment to anyone since I lost my daughter. Then I met you and you fucked my entire life up. I thought I was fine the way I was and now all of a sudden I’m not ok. I have told you things I have never told anyone not even my therapist.”

“Then stay.”

“I can’t. I literally can’t.” She pulled away and wiped her eyes. “I’m going back to rehab. For you. Because I do care about you. I want to feel love again with you. I broke up with my boyfriend before I came out here because of you. I have to do this. If I don’t do it now it will never happen.”

By now he was crying himself just standing there listening to her speak so freely about her feelings allowed him to see that she really wasn’t Livi. She was her own person. She was outgoing, carefree, open about what she was going through. She wanted to love him back and if it meant suffering through rehab again she was willing to do it.

“Well then…” He smiled. “…you have a plane to catch.”

“Promise me you’ll come back to California. I know your family is here, but…I mean I already called a friend to help me pay for treatment and we would both be seriously pissed if our money got wasted.”

He leaned down planting a deep kiss on her salty lips. “You’re so ridiculous you know that?”

“Promise me.” She tapped him on the face.

“I promise.”


	20. Selfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom returns to California and learns that Tavi has a secret.

Tom didn’t immediately return to California instead deciding to visit with his mother for a while to catch up on things. There was no point in rushing off for Tavi wouldn’t be allowed visitors for quite some time. Luke was sure that Tom was going to stick around that everything was going to return to the way it was. How mistaken he was when the week ended and his client informed him that they would be returning to “The Golden State.” He tried to talk him out of it, asked him to give London just one more shot, but Tom was adamant on not wanting to move back. Luke didn’t understand. This place no longer held good memories for him instead it was overshadowed by Livi’s death and his drug addiction. If he stayed he was doomed. He had to go “home” had to return to the woman who showed him there was life after unimaginable pain.

They stood there in Heathrow neither of them said a word. Tom was too busy drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper he had folded in his hand. Luke was startled by the load groan that erupted from the tall lanky figure standing beside him.

“I have never heard you make such a sound.”

“Well I wouldn’t have had to make it if there wasn’t an article here about my new “girlfriend” and her “sex addiction.” How do people even find these things out? Do people at the paper just sit in front of their desk digging into people’s personal lives? It’s pathetic.”

“Well you better hope she’s not like Livi. She hated all of that.”

“She’s not like Livi.”

“You’re right she’s fame hungry.”

Tom rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”

“Clearly she leaked it. It’s like you said how do these people even find these things out. She probably told them herself to ruin you.”

“Do you even hear yourself? She wouldn’t do something like that.”

As he turned his attention back to his reading he heard a someone call his name. Just the sound of this person’s voice lit a fire inside of him. If the papers wanted something to really write about what was about to go down would surely be worth writing about.

“I need to talk to you.”

Tom turned around his fists clinched tightly. “Benedict if you don’t get the fuck away from me I’m going to bash your skull in. I don’t care if people are watching us.”

“I’m sorry about everything.”

“You think I’m sorry is going to fix this? You let me spend a year of my life addicted to heroin because I was dealing with the guilt and the idea that I killed my wife. Do you know what that feels like? If I had one I would fucking stick a needle up your arm if only to give you a slight idea of what I went through. I absolutely despise you. Just standing here looking at your face makes me want to expel the breakfast I had this morning. Now get the fuck out of here if you know what’s good for you.”

“Tom just…” Benedict stepped towards him and suddenly realized that was a huge mistake.

“Alright come on let’s do this.” Tom squared up to him his face was now the color of a ripened tomato. “I’ll even let you have the first hit.”

“I don’t want to do th…” He didn’t even get a chance to finish his sentence. Tom’s fist connected with Ben’s already broken nose shattering it.

The man with the deep booming voice didn’t even get a hit in. By the second punch, he was knocked unconscious, but that didn’t stop Tom. He was blinded by his anger. The next thing he knew he was being held in the Heathrow Airport Police Station. As he sat there he could hear Luke outside the door explaining to the police that Benedict was not going to press charges and Tom was free to go. The policeman walked in and asked Tom to stand so he could remove his handcuffs. Once his hands were free he rubbed his hand over his wrists a red ring had formed around them. He stepped out of the tiny room they had held him in and stared at Luke who wanted to go off on him, but instead bit his tongue.

“Come on. I booked us on a later flight. You should be thankful they’re even going to let you fly. I had to do a lot of…”

“I don’t care. I just want to leave.”

On the plane Tom heard people whispering. Was that Tom Hiddleston? It didn’t look like Tom Hiddleston. Was he balding? What was with the scraggly beard? Most of it he completely ignored he was too exhausted to care. That was until the elderly woman behind him started talking to her husband.

“He looks so bad. He’s only 35 years old yet he looks 50.”

“He’s been through a lot leave him alone.”

“His girlfriend is a sex addict. It’s appalling. I bet she’s crawling with STD’s.”

Tom spoke up startling the both of them. “She’s not my girlfriend and really who gives a shit. You’re a miserable old hag whose tits touch her knees...”

Luke punched him in the shoulder. “Stop it. What is wrong with you?”

“Just leave me alone. That’s all I want is to be left alone.”

When they returned to California Luke found a modest apartment not far from where Tom lived. He showed up to give Tom his drug tests and that was usually it. There was tension between them and it was about to get even worse.

Tom had received another script the movie he had finished filming was already being talked about. It was said that this was his best work to date and it restored a bit of his confidence. He paced the room constantly repeating his lines to himself. That was how he learned them through continuous repetition. He must have read the same thing over 50 times drilling it into his head. He was on a time crunch as filming began next month. Just as he was about to take a small break his phone rang. He grabbed it and stared at the number on the screen. Why would the rehab facility be calling him? He answered it and the woman on the other end, who must have been new for he had never heard her voice before, requested he come there as soon as he could. He agreed and his heart leapt into his throat. Something had to be wrong with Tavi. He immediately jumped in his car and headed over hoping that it wasn’t too serious. As he stepped inside they escorted him back to the therapy room Tavi’s eyes were red from crying.

“What’s going on?”

They shared a therapist and it was clear from the look on the tall woman’s face that she wasn’t pleased.

“Maybe no one heard me. What is going on?”

“Apparently Tavi convinced the new girl at intake not to give her a urine test.”

“OK?”

“She’s pregnant.”

“Excuse me?”

“Tavi’s pregnant. She wanted to talk to you she won’t say anything to me.”

“Um…yeah sure I’ll speak with her.”

“I’ll leave you two alone.”

She exited the room closing the door gently behind her. Tom’s mind was racing. He kneeled down in front of Tavi placing his hands on her bare knees.

“How long have you known?”

“I skipped a urine test. I knew before I even got here. At first, I didn’t think anything of it I’ve missed period’s before and not been pregnant. Usually its stress related, but I took a test while I was visiting you and it came out positive.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? You had all that time to say something.”

“I don’t know who the father is. I want to believe in my heart that it’s yours, but I just can’t say for sure.”

“How many guys did you sleep with?”

“Including you? 5.”

Tom lowered his head hearing her say that caused his stomach to turn. He knew it wasn’t her fault entirely she had a problem she couldn’t help it. He took a deep breath looking up at her and then said something he never thought he would.

“If it is mine I think it would be selfish of us to keep it.” She stared at him not believing what she was hearing. “We’re both addicts would it really be fair to raise a child in that kind of environment? I mean there’s a chance of relapse for both of us. I don’t want any child of mine to have to witness that. I just don’t know if I really want this.”

If she wasn’t crying before she was surely crying now. “So you think I should get rid of it?”

“You’ve done it before.” Not the right thing to say. “Shit. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that.” He sighed immediately feeling regret.

“No you’re right. It isn’t a good idea for us to have a child together.”

“But…”

“There’s no but.”

“I can see it in your eyes. Tell me.”

She ran her tongue against her lower lip tasting the salt of her tears. “I’m keeping it. For the first time since I lost Daniella…”

“I don't think I've ever heard you say her name.”

Tavi sniffled. “…I want this baby. I will understand if you walk away, I won’t hold it against you. I’m having it with or without you. I really want it to be with you, but I’m not going to force it.”

Tom leaned in and kissed her only to be interrupted by the door flying open. “You know you’re not supposed to do that. We have cameras around here.” The therapist left a second time leaving the two of them to sit there in silence.

“Say something. I know you want to.”

“How can you be so optimistic? I have days where everything is so dark and I don’t see any way out.”

“I accept myself the way that I am. Sure, I have flaws, but who doesn’t? You just have to get past all the bad shit it’s not worth ruining your happiness over. You have people that love you, people that want to see you succeed; you just have to see that for yourself. I love you if that means anything at all.”

Hearing her say those three little words filled him with happiness. This is what he had been longing to feel again. A huge weight was lifted off his shoulders and he felt at peace about everything that had transpired in the past year. He laid his head in her lap smiling as he felt her fingers run through his hair.

“No matter what happens I will always be there. Even if this isn’t my child, I will do whatever it takes to be with you. I never thought I’d ever get a second chance at life and yet by some miracle I did.”

“Oh please. As good looking as you are any girl would be dumb to not go after you.”

He smiled wide sitting up to look at her. “So now what?”

“We do a blood test. I have some of the baby's DNA running through my veins and then a simple cheek swab for you. It’s 99.9% accurate. It will take 9 days to get the results back. They already have it all set up we just have to go get it done.

It was the longest 9 days of Tom’s life. The script laid on the table his lines embedded in his memory. That was how he helped the time pass. Finally he got the call he was waiting for. He made his way to the hospital heading straight up to the waiting room at the testing lab. He looked over at the man sitting next to him who was just as anxious as he was. The man turned his head and the two of them locked eyes.

“Are you Tom?”

“I am. And you are?”

“Tavi’s ex-boyfriend. Surely you’ve heard about me. After all you were fucking her behind my back.”

“Oh please. If you’re trying to make me feel sorry for you, I don’t. It is what it is there’s nothing we can do about it now.”

The door opened and in walked Tavi surprised to see them both. It was an awkward situation and she didn’t know what to say. She opted to sit across from them her gaze never meeting theirs. She just wanted to get the results and get on with her life. She tucked her hair behind her ears looking for a magazine to read.

“Hello Octavia.” Her ex smiled.

“Hello Adam.”

“I met your boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend we never made it official.”

Tom crossed his legs. “You’re right we didn’t. I say we fix that right here and now.”

“Fine by me. Adam this is my boyfriend Tom.”

“You’re both so childish.”

“Ms. Seals? You can come with me. We’ll call them back shortly.”

She took a deep breath and got up walking out of the room disappearing from view. Now the other waiting game began. Tom’s legs were shaking violently his anxiety rising with each passing minute. Finally his name was called and he was shown to the doctor's office where Tavi was sitting.

“Tom please take a seat.” The doctor requested and he did as he was told. “I have the results of the test. It’s 99.99% positive. You are the father.”


End file.
